You’ll NEVER Guess Who Just Endorsed Donald Trump

The nation’s top spineless jellyfish has just endorsed Donald J. Trump for president, sending reverberations through America’s aquatic life form community.

Harold Slipperytail is a jellyfish and a lifelong Republican. He announced just hours ago that after giving the subject “considerable consideration” he will indeed be endorsing Trump for the fall’s election. Harold had said in previous interviews when asked that he was “shocked and aghast” that Trump was running, and as his opponents dropped out, Slipperytail said he was “desperate for any alternative to Trump he could find.”

But after Harold had a private, one-on-one meeting with Trump in his D.C. area tide pool, he says that he can feel more confident voting for the reality-tv star and alleged business mogul.

“Look, it’s not that all of the terrible things Trump has said about women, Muslims, or Mexicans is right or even accurate,” Harold said, “but in our meeting, I was reminded that as an American all I’m supposed to care is my side winning. Well, I’m on the Republican side, and this bloviating shit stain is our nominee. If you want to win, sometimes that means being on the same team as someone you’d probably rather punch in the mouth than have a beer with, know what I mean?”

Mr. Slipperytail did in fact consider not voting for the presidential race at all, and focusing only on the down ballot races. Ultimately, though, he decided that “selling out” was more important and “better for the party” even if it’s “terrible for the country.”

“Sure,” Slipperytail said, “you could make a pretty sound argument that Trump being the Republican Party’s candidate shows that the party has been fully subverted after years of in-fighting, and that the winners are the ones who most everyone else in the party finds regressive, repugnant, and downright unevolved. But hey, a win’s a win, right?”

Though he’s voting for him, Slippertail says that he’d be “dumb and stupid” not to recognize that “Trump isn’t anywhere near ideal.”

“Look, I’d be really dumb and stupid to deny that Trump isn’t anywhere near ideal,” Harold told our reporter, “but let’s be honest here, shall we? Anyone who thought we Republicans wouldn’t line-up behind Trump eventually was fooling themselves. In the last sixteen years we have voted for George W. Bush and Dick Cheney twice, we gleefully voted to put Sarah Palin a heartbeat away from the nuclear codes, and we even thought Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan had a legit shot at winning, so less than ideal candidates are kind of our stock and trade, aren’t they?”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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