RICHMOND, VIRGINIA — A former American president has endorsed Donald J. Trump (R-Das Vaterland), sending shock waves through the political commentator class.
Jefferson Davis, the first and only President of the Confederate States of America has “come out of eternal retirement” to announce he is supporting Trump’s efforts to secure the White House. Davis, in a short speech at his burial site, told reporters he was “struck by the strident and proud racism” that Trump displayed and that he was “proud to know the spirit of the Confederacy lives n to this very day.”
“Now, some in your time will tell you that racism wasn’t a motivating factor in forming the Confederacy,” Davis said, “but that’s just hilarious history revision. Several of the states who left the union did so explicitly in their letters of secession over the issue of slavery. My Vice-President gave the famous Cornerstone Speech in which he literally said the foundations of the CSA were slavery. All of this is to say I know a racist politician when I see one, and Mr. Trump takes the taco in the regard.”
“Also,” Davis said, “our Constitution literally made slavery a government-protected right, so…”
Davis would later apologize to Trump for “inferring he’d eat a food from Mexico” for the taco comment he made.
“Indeed,” Davis continued, “the spirit of the Confederacy was white supremacy, and no other candidate in recent history has run so boldly on the platform of white dominance. No other candidate has openly embraced debunked racist theories about black people being more violent by nature. Trump is truly a man out of time in your time. But back in my day? He’d be a well-respected, racist businessman turned president. It’s truly beautiful that the spirit of the Confederacy lives on with this great, bewigged bloviator.”
Davis, however, did concede that Trump isn’t “completely ideal in every way.”
“His skin tone,” Davis said, “technically it’s not really white. It’s orange.” Then after some thought, Mr. Davis said, “then again I used to love watching re-runs of The Dukes of Hazard on Hell-TV, so maybe we could just slap a big ol’ confederate flag on Trump’s back and I can jut pretend he’s the General Lee. I mean, he’s got the same pigmentation as that 1969 Dodge Charger with the optional Six-Pack did.”
Though he’s “excited as all get-out” to endorse Trump, Davis said he was prepared to endorse “whoever the Republicans nominated.”
“Let’s face it, ever since the Civil Rights Act of 1964 Republicans have gleefully courted the same racist southerners that have been worshiping the Confederacy for the last 150 years. So in the end, voting for a Republican these days is like voting in favor of racist policies regardless. Even if they aren’t racist themselves, they’re more than willing to turn a blind eye to obvious racism everyone else sees because it fits their anti-government message. So yeah, if it was Cruz, I’d endorse Cruz. If it was Rubio, I’d have endorsed him. The only one I wouldn’t have endorsed was Ben Carson, but, I think you can all figure out why…”
Barring any truly unforeseen developments during either party’s convention, the General Election in November will feature Trump versus former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, who is currently leading Trump in most polling.