World’s Irony Supply Threatened as Mitt Romney Comments on Someone Else’s Tax Returns

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Scientists are warning the planet at the time of publication that one of the world’s most precious natural resources is being threatened by none other than former Massachusetts Governor and failed 2012 Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney.

“When Governor Romney implied that Donald Trump releasing his tax returns would be a bombshell,” Dr. Jennifer Garfield told reporters at a press conference outside the International Science Institute, “it set off a chain reaction deep within the planet’s core, and now the world’s supply of irony is in grave danger.”

Irony, Garfield said, is “absolutely vital” for human survival, and Romney’s comments put every ounce of it on Earth in peril.

“Imagine a humorless world,” Garfield said before stopping herself short, “okay, imagine an even more humorless world than we live in now. You think it sucks now because of the PC-police on both sides of the aisle dictating to you what’s funny or not, imagine what happens if Romney depletes the world’s irony supply. Jokes run on irony, everyone, and Mitt Romney just put every comedian’s livelihood in jeopardy.”

Garfield says that Romney’s bald-faced hypocrisy was so great it cracked a valve that takes irony from deep within the molten core of the planet to the surface. That crack is causing leaks that could have unintended consequences.

“An irony leak can be catastrophic for the planet,” Garfield said, “people will suddenly have sarcasm injected into their tone. Imagine a doctor giving a cancer diagnosis and then all of a sudden there’s a slight lilt in his voice and a twinkle in his eye, and you have no idea if you truly only have six months to live.”

In 2012, Mitt Romney raised quite an uproar when he bucked a decades-long tradition of presidential candidates releasing many years of tax returns. Romney fought releasing his taxes for months, finally deciding to release just a couple years’ worth of returns. The irony of Romney not releasing his returns because he was afraid of what Americans would think of his rich lifestyle and then implying there’s something hiding in Trump’s tax returns was just too much pressure for the irony pipeline to hold.

“We’re hoping we’ll get the pipeline patched before we lose all our irony,” Garfield said, “but we just don’t know if we’re going to make it on time. This could be absolutely devastating for anyone who relies heavily on snark, sarcasm, irony, or satire for their life’s work.”

One satirist, speaking on condition of anonymity told us, “It’s hard to even finish work because of thi – “

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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