RIO PRIVILEGIO BLANCO, CALIFORNIA — Susan Tompkins is not racist, and she really takes exception to the fact that outside the gated community nestled within the affluent neighborhood in a suburb of Los Angeles she resides in she’s been branded as such.

“It’s not my fault! I just didn’t know who else to call, and the police are there to serve and protect us,” Susan told reporters at a press conference today. “And that goes doubly for whites, half as much for Asians, not much at all Hispanics, and negative 15,000% for black people. So I called the cops, yes.”

Tompkins was speaking to reporters about an incident involving herself and a customer service representative working at her local WalMart. At issue was a house fan that Tompkins was attempting to return without a receipt. When Susan was told by the WalMart employee that she could get store credit but not cash back, she says she became infuriated.

“But I held my tongue, at first. I didn’t want to cause a scene, I just wanted her to break the rule for me, even if it meant risking her job,” Susan said. “Sure, she makes a fraction, a literal fraction of what I do, but she needs to remember the customer is always right, even when they’re demanding you do something you’re not supposed to do or you’ll get fired.”

No matter how many times Susan says she reminded the customer service rep that she was a customer, and that she was entitled to get what she wanted when she wanted no matter what, she was rebuffed. 

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“It was just so infuriating! I’ve never been treated like this at any other store,” Susan said. “I’ve never been treated like the rules apply to me too! So you know, I was starting to feel like my rights were being threatened. My civil rights! So who else do you call when you’re being threatened? I called 911, yes I did.”

But when the police arrived at the WalMart, Susan’s problems didn’t end. She was told by the officers who showed up that she was wrong for wasting their time and that she should probably apologize to the customer service rep. Susan refused, and instead she says she yelled at one of the cops.

“Well, I think 911 is like customer service for white society,” Susan screamed as she left the store, “so you can kiss my ass, jerk!”

Ms. Tompkins says she was eventually able to find a WalMart a town over and was able to make a big enough scene to get her way.

“I knew I’d find a representative with the right skin…thickness, if you know what I mean. And it just feels better, like, the way it should be,” Susan said. “Me getting my way. Who knew it was so important to my happiness and civic peace? Well, I knew, because I’m a white, middle-aged suburban wife and mother, so clearly I know everything. But you get it.”

WalMart did not comment on this story.




James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.