CRAFTON HILLS, COLORADO — Sources close to the situation are reporting that a local restaurant was just the setting for a truly spectacular, and perhaps world record breaking, moment. According to those with firsthand knowledge,  27 year old nurse Sarah Pillsby just finished a dinner date with her boyfriend Corey Palumbo. The date isn’t what’s so noteworthy, the two have been together for about four years now. What’s so incredible about this story is the fact that Pillsby was able for the millionth time in their relationship to pull of a flawless, polite stare the entire time Palumbo was giving her his opinions on the subject of abortion.

“It was absolutely breathtaking the way she just sat there and nodded and made little audible noises that in no way belied the fact that she was thinking what a dumb fucking idiot her boyfriend is,” one friend of Sarah’s told us on the condition of anonymity and Target gift cards. “He’s sitting there telling her how the fetus having separate DNA from the mother’s gives it all the rights of a fully developed, born human baby, and she didn’t even roll her eyes or point out that cows have separate DNA from us, but he eats the shit outta them.”

Witnesses say the date started out like most dates do, with the couple being seated, ordering their drinks, and then chit-chatting while they looked over the menu. That’s when Jack started asking Sarah if she’d “read the news about what the libtards said today.” Sarah tried to indicate with a deep sigh that she didn’t want to talk about politics with her boyfriend, because she actually doesn’t agree with much of what he believes, but Jack didn’t pick up the signal.

http://pastichepost.com/2018/02/28/san-diego-man-will-fucking-fight-you-if-you-say-your-town-has-better-tacos-than-his/

“Those idiots tried to sneak funding for Planned Parenthood back into the budget,” Jack said, clucking his tongue. “Because you know, our taxes should pay for someone else to murder their precious baby, right babe?”

Sarah just started staring blankly at this point, knowing where this discussion was headed. For the next twenty minutes, Jack kept talking about “cultural Marxism” and “natural law” and things that Sarah knew for a fact weren’t relevant or important in modern times. No matter how many times she tried to politely steer the conversation back to anything other than abortion, her boyfriend didn’t let her, and Sarah was forced to hear more of Jack’s opinions on the subject.

“Doesn’t the father have a say? Sure, the woman takes on all the biological risks, sure it’s her health, her very life that’s put into jeopardy even by the most routine pregnancy,” Jack implored, “don’t men have some kind of say in what women do with their bodies?”

Eventually, Jack and Sarah were brought their food by their waitress, which ended the abortion talk. Finally, Sarah said, she had a few moments of quiet to eat her meal. She hoped her boyfriend would steer clear of politics the rest of the night, which he did. Sarah reported the two had average sex that night, which entailed her rubbing one out imagining what it’d be like if Jack was mute or couldn’t speak English, while he slept, next to her.

“I’m not sure what she sees in him, but it’s a small town so dating options aren’t that plentiful,” one of Sarah’s friends told us.

Satire can also be found on Alternative Facts and The Political Garbage Chute.

More Satire:

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