How to Tell When You Should Say “Woke” or Just Use the N-Word

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If there is one constant in the universe, it’s that change is inevitable.

Perhaps nothing in life exemplifies that idea quite like the current discussions about the term “woke.” Some have a hard time defining it, but they know deep down they hate it, and it’s probably related to socialism or communism or some other “ism” that Rush Limbaugh dedicated his drug-addled, underage Puerto Rican escort banging life to teaching them to fear and hate.

For some on the right, “woke” has become something much more than a belief that systemic racism plays some part in the power structure of this country. For them, “woke” has become the word they use when in the past they might have used the words “urban,” or in much more freedom-y times, “the blacks,” or in the era they most want us to go back to living in, “ni*ger.”

However, there might be times when they don’t have to code switch. There could be times when it’s perfectly acceptable to use the N-word instead of “woke.” But, how can you tell the difference between the times you should say “woke” and the times you should say the N-word?

You’re in luck, because we’ve got you covered.

In the following situations, it is highly recommended that you say “woke” and not the N-word:

  • You’re a Republican politician doing an interview with any network other than Fox News, OANN, Breitbart, Newsmax, or the KKK’s Stormfront publication.
  • You’re a Democratic former governor who had to resign in disgrace and you want to blame your gropey-ness on something other than your lack of impulse control.
  • You’re a white, evangelical Christian replying on social media to a story about cartoon candy mascots, athletes protesting police brutality, or anything about living in the 21st century that gives you a really bad case of “The Sads.”
  • You forget your wallet at home and don’t realize it until after the checker has scanned all your items at the grocery store, and won’t let you just take it home with a promise to come right back like you could “back in my day.”
  • You’ve just seen a Star Wars movie where the lead character isn’t a white male.
  • You’ve decided you’ve used “cancel culture” a little too much this week.

In the following situations, it is perfectly acceptable to use the N-word:

  • You’re starring in Blazing Saddles circa 1974 and you fully grasp the satire and understand why it’s funny to say that word in only this, specific context.
  • You’re a Republican politician at a klan/campaign/CPAC rally.
  • You’re a former, one term, twice permanently impeached president with a penchant for his daughter’s poontang, and Ben Carson has just left the room.
  • You’re the former CEO of a pizza company whose pizza tastes more like the box it comes in than actual pizza, no matter much you use “better ingredients.”
  • You’re absolutely, positively sure no fully indoctrinated hippie commie socialist libjerks are within earshot.

You should be aware that while these are some examples of the scenarios in which you might be faced with when choosing between the N-word and “woke,” they are not comprehensive lists. A good rule of thumb is to remember that the farther away from your church parking lot you get, the more likely it is that you’re with people who don’t vote like you do, and the odds of them being offended by your choice of racial slur will increase exponentially.


Sometimes you just don’t know when #woke is better than that one word. #satire #politics #racistRepublicans #politik

♬ original sound – James Schlarmann – James Schlarmann

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