In anticipation of next year’s presidential election, The Political Garbage Chute has been contacting the various political figures who have shown an interest in throwing their hat into that particular ring, and giving them a writing assignment much like we all used to get in grammar school – to tell us all why they should be President of the United States of America.
We’ve heard from Jeb, Sarah, and Scott Walker to name just a few. When we heard that Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was set to announce his own candidacy, we immediately reached out to his offices and sent him the assignment.
What follows is the essay returned to us by the Ted Cruz for President and/or Pope of America 2016 political action committee.
“Why I Should Be President”
by Sen. Ted Cruz
My fellow red-blooded, God fearing, ammo hoarding, homophobic, history revisionist Americans, I should be the country’s next president. I know it; you know it, and if you don’t know it, I’m going to spend the next few hundred words explaining to you exactly why. If you are indeed a red-blooded, God fearing, ammo hoarding, homophobic, history revisionist American you know that the liberal agenda is threatening to tear the fabric of this country apart. When Maobama the Decider in Chief took office, we Republicans had shepherded the country out of the scary days just after 9/11 into an era of sustained, profitable (for a few) warfare, and an economy that provided amply (for an even smaller few). Sure, people were losing almost a million jobs a month, but those were jobs being lost under a Republican White House so I hardly think they count.
Since January of 2009, the economy has seen over five straight calendar years of positive, private sector job growth. But I ask you this — has all that job growth done enough to help the people who really need it in this day and age? I’m speaking of course about the rich. The super-rich. If we don’t protect them, as a red-blooded, God fearing, ammo hoarding, homophobic, history revisionist American, you know the super-rich will become angry and tired of living in a country where they aren’t kowtowed to, and they’ll leave. I will keep the rich people from leaving, and I will help ensure their hot, golden showers of currency, capital and coin rain down upon us forever and ever.
Since January of 2009 we have seen an alarming number of states have their gay marriage bans struck down by activist, hippy-dippy, America-hating, George Soros and Saul Alinsky acolyte Federal judges. As a red-blooded, God fearing, ammo hoarding, homophobic, history revisionist American you know that this country is only at its greatest when minority groups are treated like disposable, less-than-equal beings. We couldn’t have built the South’s beautiful, agrarian economy without inconveniencing a few forced-laborers for a few generations. But I will point this out — all those slaves on the boats got here with their papers. There was no amnesty needed for them. Just sayin’.
Under President Ted Cruz’ administration, gays will be far less uppity. We will roll back the clock to a simpler time. A time that may not have existed in reality, but that at least existed in our minds. A time when women making less than men wasn’t a scandal, but rather a necessary way to ensure that things are done the “right” way. I want to bring America backwards into a time when we stopped getting angry or upset every time police shoot and kill an unarmed black man, we stop and get angry every time a fully-armed man isn’t allowed to open carry his firearms in a Target or Costco.
The truth is that you can’t understand how to run a government until you’ve forced it to shut down because you’re throwing a tantrum about a law.
President Ted Cruz won’t just sign an executive order abolishing all laws against guns, he will issue a royal decree (allowed under Republican presidencies) dictating that all Americans aged 2 to 222 be issued a semi-automatic handgun and rifle and at least two hand grenades. President Ted Cruz will understand and respect your right to discriminate against anyone you want to in your business, so Dr. Red Blooded American, feel free to deny that gay a heart transplant because you find his personal sex activities “icky.”
Haven’t you always wondered how great this nation would have been if American patriots like Jesse Helms, Strom Thurmond, Nathan Bedford Forrest or Jerry Falwell were elected president? You have a chance in 2016 to make that dream a reality. If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like if Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann and Louie Gohmert made a baby together and that simple-celled organism ran for president — you’re about to get your wish.
All of your regressive, anti-freedom, anti-liberty, pro-religious zealotry, pro-discrimination, pro-oligarchy dreams for how this country should be run are about to come true, it’s just going to take all you red-blooded, God fearing, ammo hoarding, homophobic, history revisionist Americans going to the polls to vote for the candidate that is right for America not just in 2016, but in 1816. And yes, that means I’d be open to another war on the natives.
God Bless America! God Bless The Free Markets! And most importantly of all, GOD BLESS ME!