The Political Garbage Chute has been your source for the word straight from the horseshit’s mouth as to why each candidate wants to be president after the 2016 elections are held. We’ve heard from Sarah Palin, Ted Cruz, Scott Walker, and even Mitt Romney when he trolled the Republican Party by making everyone think he was going to try the ol’ “Three Time’s the Charm” rule of presidential politics, but then dropped out days later. In past few days, a few more notable Republicans have entered the fray, and we reached out to all of their teams to see if they too would like to write a short essay — “Why I Should Be Elected President” — and below is what former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee sent back to us, unedited.
“Why God Chose Me To Be Your Next President”
by Michael Huckabee
When Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence, he did so knowing full-well the spirit of Jesus Christ — only begotten son of the One, True, American God — was working within him. In fact, though no scholar from any liberal indoctrination university will admit this, and partially because there is zero historical evidence to back this up, but there was an early draft of the Declaration that said, “When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, it is then time to create a Theocracy, a government made solely in service of the Holy Bible, American God, and American, White-Skinned Jesus, and that’s what we are doing right now, you British jerks,” but it was later changed. Apparently even back then the foul atheists in politics had to ruin life for those who just wanted to establish a government that let them use their belief in invisible people to harm others and make themselves more important and powerful.
More than 238 years after Jefferson signed that document, and just 6,000 years after American God created this planet we call home, I am here to tell you all that God is working within someone else — me — and that he has chosen me to be your next supreme ruler and clergyman — er I mean president. It’s true! God spoke to me in a dream and said, “Mike, too many people are taking my son’s commandment to love each other and do unto each other as they would have done to themselves to heart. Too many people are actually practicing Agape love, accepting their friends and family for who they are, actually loving they neighbor and all that stuff. You have to stop that, Mike, and remind everyone that while I am a God who gave everyone free choice, that I want to punish certain people for the natural inclinations, that if you believe in me you also must believe I gave them.”
So I’m running for president. I’m asking for your votes, but I am confident that God will deliver them. And if he doesn’t, I am sure that a wealthy, conservative, aging, white rich man will cut a check to me so he feels good about trying to secure America for one more generation of institutionalized sexism, homophobia and/or racism. Because that’s what God’s all about, don’t you know? Why else do you think throughout our nation’s history men like me have called on God, have leaned upon him to justify their terrible behavior toward other human beings?
Slavery? Defended with religion.
Jim Crow laws? Defended with religion.
Keeping women from voting? Defended with religion.
Keeping uppity gays from loving and openly committing to whichever adult they want to because who cares anyway? Defended with religion.
So as you can see, religion has been the backbone of so much of America’s stubborn resistance to progress and human rights. And that stubborn resistance to make life truly better and to truly make people treated equally under the law is what makes this country so great; every red-blooded, ammo-hoarding, Jesus loving true American patriot knows that. Because nothing says “freedom” like “Hey, adult, you can’t love another adult unless we tell you that you can!”
Come primary season, you’ll have many choices for the Republican nomination. But I hope you all remember that only one has be predestined, chosen by God to be your next High Priest — er I mean Commander in Chief. So, you kinda don’t really have a choice anyway.
God Bless America, God Bless Systemic Oppression, and God Bless Me!