WASHINGTON, D.C. — The government’s top engineers are hard to retrofit the button that presidents use to launch a full-scale nuclear attack to better suit Donald Trump, the alleged billionaire and President-Elect and his unique physical traits.
“The simple fact is,” Dr. Susan Wickstrom of the White House Engineering Corps told the media this morning, “the Big Red Button will have to be converted into a tiny red button. As it is now, the standard size button we use is simply too big for smaller fingers to depress.”
Dr. Wickstrom says the nuclear launch button was intentionally designed to require an adult’s fingers to press in order to avoid any First Children accidentally pressing it when their presidential parent wasn’t paying attention. Even though the chances of a Trump victory are rather small at the moment, Wickstrom says she and her team have to prepare for a situation where the country “has a man with both a child’s mentality and fingers” in the Oval Office.
“The Constitution states that a candidate must be at least 35 years old to hold the office of the presidency,” Wickstrom said, “but it doesn’t say anything about the president’s IQ needing to be north of 35, or whether his or her fingers need to be the size of a normal, average adult’s. So we don’t see any alternative than to plan for the possibility of a scenario where the U.S. has a man wiht a both a child’s mentality and fingers as its president.”
Wickstrom and her team are busy retrofitting other areas of the White House as well.
“President Nixon had a bowling installed when he was president,” Wickstrom said, “and Mr. Trump has requested we start making plans to put another one in. But this time all the lanes needs bumpers and all the balls need to have the smallest holes possible drilled into them.”
There are also plans to install some new hi-tech gadgetry in the White House, should Trump manage to win the General Election.
“We realized that not everyone who works in the White House will understand everything Mr. Trump says,” Wickstrom told reporters, “so we’re going to install a new device that was just invented. It translates farts into Donald Trump speeches. The designer has said he can reverse the translation so that when Trump speaks, instead of hearing farts, you hear words in English.” Though there is a caveat, Wickstrom said, because “even when you can hear [Trump’s] words as plain English, they won’t make any sense.”
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