White House Staff Can’t Get Smell of ‘Gun Powder, Chewing Tobacco and Stupid’ Out of Oval Office

WASHINGTON, D.C. — WASHINGTON, D.C. — Back in April, President Donald Trump welcomed three conservative celebrities to the White House and took several pictures with them in the Oval Office. Half-term Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin, former singer and current assistant lead bag boy at his local supermarket Kid Rock, and reigning National Trouser Soiling Champion Ted Nugent, all took time off from their busy schedules of not being thought about by anyone who matters to visit Trump. During the visit, they mocked former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s portrait, as well.

Now, word out of the White House is that ever since Palin, Rock, and and Nugent visited, the cleaning staff cannot get the smell of gun powder, chewing tobacco, and what aides are calling “stupid” out of the drapes, linens, and anything the three touched.

RELATED: Sarah Palin To Give Trump Daily Unintelligence Briefings

“It’s so gross in there right now,” one aide told us, “it’s like someone wallowed in rancid bacon fat while watching ‘Hee-Haw’ and jerking off to footage of the Mother of All Bombs dropping in Afghanistan while spitting their dip everywhere. I guess that makes sense since that’s literally what Nugent and Kid Rock did in the Lincoln bedroom.”

Nugent apparently has a thin layer of gun powder on his skin all the time, as he’s never away from a firearm for more than ten minutes without having massive panic attacks, aides say. That residue rubbed off everywhere, and one source said the Oval Office smells like “Wayne LaPierre’s cream dream” now. Kid Rock just kept spitting and missing the special presidential spittoon that Trump had made out of the documents Barack Obama signed when the Affordable Care Act was signed into law.

“Also, not for nothing, but I don’t think Teddy ever changed the pants he got out of Vietnam by shitting in,” one source said, “because he just always smelled like total dook burgers, know what I’m saying?”

But the stench of Palin’s “unmitigated, unfiltered dumb” is what White House staffers say is proving to be the hardest stench to obliterate.

“It’s bad enough that Trump’s stupid keeps washing over everything,” one source said, “but when you add on the metric tonne of derp that Palin brings with her everywhere she goes, I have a feeling it’s always going to feel and smell a lot stupider in this building from now one.”

Asked what, exactly, stupid smells like, our source described it in great detail.

RELATED: Sarah Palin: Why Does Obama Keep Getting Bristol Pregnant?

“Imagine if you could walk into the Duggars’ home,” the aide explained, “and somehow capture the smells of that house. Then you add equal parts diarrhea and Breitbart talking points, swirl it around, dump it out on the table, smash it with hammers made of shit, literal feces, and then roll them up into a tube, stuff that tube into a rocket that’s powered by climate change denial and liquid farts, and then blast that rocket into a sewage treatment plant. That’s what Sarah Palin’s dumb smells like.”

A pause.

“Well,” the aide said, “all that and a hint of Chick-Fil-A frying grease.”

The White House declined to comment on this story.

Follow us on Twitter @PolitiGarbage.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This