President Trump Declares The White House A Safe Space From Criticism or Harsh Words

WASHINGTON, D.C. — On his second full day of work, President Donald J. Trump issued an executive order he said is aimed at “restoring peace, order, civility, and genuflection.” Trump announced that he was signing an order declaring the White House ground “sacred, free, and a safe space away from harsh criticism or words that would hurt the president’s feelings.”

“The White House simply must be a place where I, the president, can feel safe and secure,” Trump told reporters as he signed the order, “and it’s just, you know, demoralizing when you have to hear people question your decisions and the thought processes behind them. No one told me I’d have to listen to non-stop critique! I don’t do that! I’m Donald Trump. I hire people to tell me what I want, and then if something I do goes belly-up, I distance myself and blame them.”

President Trump blamed the “dishonest media” for “using [his] words verbatim instead of cleaning them up” before publishing them. Trump also said he doesn’t remember anyone ever being “as mean to that black guy who just left.”

“I don’t remember anyone on any channel anywhere being as mean to that black guy who just left as they are to me,” Trump said, perhaps fighting back a tear, “so why come they’re picking on me? I told KellyAnne I didn’t want to play the mean conservative guy anymore. I wanted to go back to the happy go lucky, fun rich guy who used to do cameos in ‘Home Alone’ movies and stuff. But she said I have to keep doing this mean guy thing. So I wish as long as I did that you guys in the press would stop questioning me so much.”

Trump said that if he can’t keep the White House free from criticism, he will have “no other recourse” than to ask Congress to make drastic changes to the First Amendment. He mentioned that it was “heart breaking” for him to watch Sean Spicer, his press secretary, get so “emotional and butt hurt” during press briefings “all because the media can’t be nice to us like everyone was super-duper nice to that Obummer guy.”

“If you guys can’t start being nice, and I mean really, really, really nice to me,” Trump warned, “I’m going to tell Congress to update the First Amendment. It’ll make criticizing, mocking, or hurting the president’s feelings a felony, punishable at least by a decade in Gitmo.”

Once he has established control of the “tone and content of the words people use” about him, President Trump says he may relax the order he just signed. However, he said, if people don’t start saying complimentary and encouraging words to him, he’s not opposed to even harsher restrictions.

“It’s not like there’s some rule in our founding documents that says I can’t make certain things illegal to say,” Trump said, “I mean, just like since I’m president there’s no such thing as a conflict of interest, there’s literally nothing I can do that’s illegal or wrong. So go ahead and be mean to me, jerk faces, and we’ll see how this all ends up, won’t we? Now, get back to unifying and uniting behind me, you asshole-piece of shit-fuckfaces!”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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