Trump Has White House Staff Fit Lincoln Bedroom With Rubber Sheets

NEW YORK, NEW YORK –Any time the White House cleaning staff prepares to receive a newly incoming administration, they are prepared for some changes. Each person to have sat in the Oval Office has had their own particular needs and wants, and being the most powerful person in the free world has entitled everyone to hold the office to certain changes in the routines and living situations within the historical home. The Donald J. Trump administration will be no different.

Just hours away from becoming the 45th President of the United States of America, Trump has asked the housekeeping staff in the White House to make a change to one of the most historic rooms in the presidential residence — the Lincoln Bedroom.

“I’ve asked the people who do the things in the White House like cleaning and whatnot to put rubber sheets in the Lincoln Bedroom,” Trump told reporters as he left Trump Tower for lunch at McDonald’s, “because I plan to have a lot of special guests rushin’ in there. And I want to make sure everyone feels as relaxed and relieved as possible when they stay in that room.”

When asked, Trump said he plans to have foreign dignitaries stay in the Lincoln bedroom, and he knows that in “certain countries they party in a way a lot of uptight Americans wouldn’t like.” But Mr. Trump said he doesn’t want any of his guests “getting pissed, unless that’s their thing” and he’ll just have the bed in the Lincoln Bedroom outfitted with sheets to accomdate “any kind of party scene they’re into.”

“There will be a lot of changes coming,” Trump said, “because when you’re a winner you need things to be to your exact specifications. So rubber sheets are just the start of it. We’re also thinking of renaming the White House something like ‘The Western Kremlin.’ You know, to improve relations with any friends we might have from any country, not any country in particular or anything, comrades.”

Some other plans Trump announced were having drains installed in the floor of every White House room and having urinals installed in every room that’s not a bathroom.

“No reason,” Trump said when asked, “just you know, in case some professional or another has to relieve themselves and can’t hold it. Oh, man, how fuckin’ hot would that be, huh? I haven’t gotten so hot and bothered thinking about peeing since we potty trained Ivanka. I mean, we called it potty training, but she was 25 years old and had complete control over her bladder by then. Believe me. Beautiful, full stream of amazing, perfect pee. Mmmm. Pee.”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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