WASHINGTON, D.C. — The press pool assigned to cover the Bannon administration has reportedly purchased six brand new, extremely advanced microwaves in an effort to help them capture more historic moments more easily. The microwaves were purchased directly from General Electric, whose only small appliance in production is the line of “Spy-Crowaves” that they created specifically for the Bannon White House.
In recent days, the existence of microwave imaging tech was put in the fore by a White House adviser guessing about which forms of surveillance the Obama administration might have employed against the Bannon proxy presidential campaign last year.
“We have requisitioned six TF-3000 microwaves,” explained White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, “which are capable of recording both 4k video and taking extremely clear, extremely sharp photograms. These microwaves will help ensure that we are able to encapture-ate all the Kodak moments.”
The purchase of the new microwaves came at the suggestion of White House senior adviser Kellyanne Conway, who had overheard Co-President Donald Trump complaining about the lack of flattering pictures of himself in the news. Trump reportedly told Conway and Chief of Staff Reince Priebus that he thought “that little fucker in North Korea has the right idea” and that as president, he doesn’t “deserve to have shitty photos” of himself published, ever.
“So Kellyanne talked to the co-president about getting our hands on some tech that we’d started developing with General Electric,” Spicer said, “and then one thing lead to another, and now we have six high-tech moo-mock-meek-mak-MICrowaves coming to us. We’re all very excited and can’t wait to share the moments they capture with the rest of you, and the American people.”
In order to put the microwaves to good use right away, Spicer says that the Trump family will begin hosting infomercials from the White House.
“We wouldn’t want the taxpayer dollars used to purchase these winder-winter-wanter-wanted poster-WONDERFUL microwaves wasted,” Spicer said, “so we’ll kill two birds with one emolument and host a series of infomercials here at the White House for various Trump products. We feel this does not pose any conflicts of interests because we’re not at all conflicted about it, and we’re not interested in hearing about it, even if you are.”
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