WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump administration sent a letter addressed to both the Los Angeles Rams and the New England Cheatriots, ahead of Super Bowl LII, from Mercedez-Benz Stadium in Atlanta.
“Because it is literally impossible for us to know when the government will reopen (it’s not like we could just sign any of the bills passed by the House if the Senate would just take them up and pass them, fam), we must assume that when the Super Bowl champions arrive for their celebratory dinner at the White House, we will be forced once again to serve you the greatest food every cooked beneath two golden arches,” President Trump’s letter reads. “So, if you could just let us know ahead of time what kinda nugget sauce you want for to be dipping in, that would be pretty bigly neat of you.”
Earlier this month, President Trump hosted the Clemson Tigers after their NCAA football championship win. Normally, when presidents host teams, they are given a rather lavish and expensive meal. This time, however, Trump fed the elite athletes a buffet from several American fast food companies, most notably McDonald’s. The internet was ablaze with memes and jokes about the dinner.
“Much like when I hosted the Clemson team, I know that you’ll appreciate more than anything that your benevolent overlord and president deigned to feed you processed, deep fried animal byproducts that our government defines as food,” Trump said. “So of course I could just give you bread and water, and you’d fall over yourselves thanking me, as your dear leader, for the scraps I shove in your face holes.”
President Trump says it’s important for him to “get some advanced warning” to McDonald’s about how many and what kinds of dipping sauces the teams might want for their Chicken McNuggets.
“They run out of the spicy mustard all the time, fam,” Trump explained.
Trump informed the Rams and Cheatriots, however, that he would not be eating the McDonald’s food, nor would he be actually sitting with them and dining.
“I will have much more important business to conduct, so I know you’ll understand if I shove the food at you, and then hurry up to the residence floor, and tweet angry stuff about Bob Mueller’s 62.5 trillion angry illegal Mexican Democrats,” Trump writes. “As you all know, fast food is not tweeting food. So I will ask the White House chef, who is working without pay, to make me a five-star meal, so that I may take it upon my tweeting throne, wipe, flush, and then go to bed with the First Lady. As long as Ivanka’s back from her trip by then, of course.”
The Rams and Cheatriots did not respond to requests for comment, and by the time of publication had not given the White House their McNugget sauce lists. This is a developing story, please check back for updates.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.