The President Wants To Turn The White House Lawn Into A Trump Branded Golf Course

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump will be submitting to Congress a formal proposal in the coming weeks that would, if approved, allow him to build a golf course that will be owned and operated by his family’s company on the front lawn of the White House.

“It’s going to be the bigliest, bestest golf course you could possibly imagine,” Trump told reporters as he left the White House this morning to get doughnuts, “and I cannot wait for you all to see the great improvements we make to the lawn here in order to get it done.”

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Mr. Trump indicated that his love of golf and lack of interest in doing things presidents typically do compelled him to make this request.

“Hey, I already use the government as my personal travel and golf slush fund, so I just figured that since this is the one thing I seem most interested in doing as president,” Trump said, “why not just stay here every weekend and golf? Let’s face it, folks, it’s literally the only way you’ll get me to stay here on a weekend, especially now that my Second Lady is living here.”

With tensions flaring all over the country and protests of his agenda mounting every weekend, Trump said it’s a “good time to hideout from the American public” he was elected to serve.

“This way,” President Trump explained, “I can golf when I want and not worry about protesters showing up. Not that anyone’s protesting me. No one is. Literally no one. I mean, I never see the protesters, thanks to that awesome blindfold my sweet, sexy Ivanka gave me. And one of my sons, the less dopey one, gave me earplugs, so I don’t hear shit either.”

The president indicated that his new White House Trump-branded golf course wouldn’t have very many ground rules. Though, he did mention a couple rules once he got a chance to think about it for a moment or two.

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“The only course rule will be the president gets a free mulligan whenever he wants,” Trump told reporters.

Just then, Steve Bannon leaned into Trump’s ear and whispered something to which the president touched his nose, winked, and then addressed the media once more.

“Oh right,” President Trump said, “Steve just reminded me we’re also going to have pre-1920 Augusta rules for who’s allowed on. You know, certain types won’t be.”

The Trumps are considering several names for their proposed golf course, the president said. Currently, the Trump siblings are “fighting it out” over whose idea is best, Trump said. Mr. Trump said that he doesn’t have a favorite, but that as always, he’s “leaning hard, super hard, the hardest ever, really” toward Ivanka.

“Her idea was great,” Trump said, “though I really liked when the brown haired one said we could name it the Jefferson Davis Memorial Golf Course and solidify some more support from my base. So we’ll see how that works out.”

This story is developing.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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