WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking and unforeseen turn of events, the cleaning staff that works at the White House says they have discovered recordings that President Donald Trump made during his now infamous meetings with former FBI Director James Comey. Trump had alluded to the possibility of the existence of recordings of his private conversations with Comey prior to firing him last month, but many on the Hill had started to presume that they didn’t exist because they weren’t being produced. Now, it seems at least possible those tapes could have been found.
“I thought they might not exist, because of how much my boss lies,” one member of the staff told us on condition of anonymity, “But lo and behold, there they were, right under Barack Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate.”
It’s no secret that President Trump was one of the most prominent, well-known, and unabashed of the “Birthers,” the group of Americans who believed that Barack Obama lied about his country of birth in order to run for president in 2008. Trump told the media during the Obama years that he’d hired private investigators to get to the bottom of the issue. He even claimed on more than one occasion to have evidence — either in the form of Obama’s real birth certificate or something else — to prove his theories were true. But, alas, evidence was never provided and ultimately in last year’s election he had to denounce birtherism, claiming that he had “ended it.”
“We were in the Lincoln Bedroom, changing the rubber sheets,” another cleaning crew member told us, “after his last Russian Piss Whore state visit, you know? And as I’m vacuuming and dusting, I notice that the drawer on the writing desk in the room was open. I looked inside, and found President Obama’s birth certificate; the one from Kenya.”
The birth certificate was stamped “Official Sharia Voodoo Birth Certificate” and listed Obama’s actual name as “Barack Hussein Satan Mao Stalin Obama.” The crew member who found the certificate says she was unsure what to do about it at first. But when she picked it up, she says that’s when the story took an even more unbelievable turn.
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“Right there, underneath the certificate, was a thumb drive,” the cleaner said, “just a regular, old thumb drive. So I picked it up and took it to my boss. She plugged it into her laptop in her office, and we found sound files on it. Once we identified President Trump’s voice, and heard him talking to some guy named Jim, we had a feeling we’d found something pretty important.”
Though the exact details of they heard are not being discussed due to concerns that it might taint special counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into whether Trump obstructed or attempted to obstruct justice, the cleaning crew says they’re willing to testify before congress and be interviewed by Mueller.
“We clean things for a living,” one crew member told us, “and so not only would it fulfill our patriotic duty, it would just make a lot of sense on a metaphorical level if we were to help the country get rid of a god-awful, putrid orange stain from the White House, don’t you think?
The White House could not be reached for comment.