WASHINGTON, D.C. — A shocking development in the nation’s capital today as White House cleaning staff reportedly discovered the long form birth certificate of President Donald J. Trump.
Historically, this would not have posed any problems whatsoever for a white, male, president. However, the birth certificate was in Cyrillic and issued under the authority of the former USSR. It would appear at the time of publication that President Trump may in fact have not been born in America, but instead inside the last of a series of increasingly smaller hospital rooms built inside of other hospital rooms, in Communist Russia.
“This morning, a member of the cleaning staff was working in the president’s bedroom, vacuuming the KFC crumbs out of the linens, when he stumbled upon a piece of paper that looked like it had been used as a napkin after someone ate about six Big Macs,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders bellowed at the press pool this morning. “And that paper turned out to be the president’s birth certificate. No big whoop y’all.”
Between sips of gravy from she drank from one of those contraptions that’s a baseball batting helmet and cans of soda or beer, Huckabee explained why Trump has a Russian birth certificate.
“It’s just a formality that any time someone is adopted by a Russian citizen, they get a Russian birth certificate to officially declare themselves as Russians themselves,” Huckabee said. “Therefore, when President Putin adopted President Trump last year, the birth certificate was printed and sent here.”
Mr. Putin issued a statement following news of the birth certificate’s discovery.
“Who’s Donald Trump? I’ve never heard of Donald Trump. I will never hear of a Donald Trump. Please stop asking me about Donald Trump,” Putin’s statement reads.
This story is developing.