White House Promises More On-Camera Briefings Once They’re Not Beta Cucks Anymore

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The last time that the Trump administration held an on-camera press briefing was on June 29th, nearly a month ago. The press briefings had already become a bit of a thorn in President Trump’s side, from Press Secretary Sean Spicer’s very first press conference. The briefings have been cantankerous, contentious, and full of statements that the White House then has to walk-back, re-explain, or come up with a wholly new explanation for.

The administration has taken sharp criticism for their apparent effort to hide their briefings from the American people. Today, Mr. Spicer was asked as he exited the bushes out in front of the White House about the decision to not turn on the cameras in the James Brady Press Briefing Room. Spicer used a term familiar to Trump’s base to describe Team Trump.

“We’re just cowards, what can we say,” Spicer said, his tone notably subdued from his usual bombast when dealing with the press, “After talking a big game about how alpha we all are, clearly we’re just beta cucks.”

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Spicer said that at one point the president considered reaching out to actress Melissa McCarthy, who played Spicer on “Saturday Night Live” last season to conduct the briefings, but scrapped that idea when he found out she’d only tell the truth the American public.

“The last thing the piss-puss-PRESIDENT can do is tell the truth,” Spicer said, “It would be just devastating to the fantasy world — excuse me — the totally real, based in facts, world that he’s created for his supporters to live in.”

Another idea instead of holding the briefings off camera was for Trump himself, through use of a puppet to conduct the briefings.

“The problem there, though,” Spicer explained, “Is that the president is used to being a puppet, not using one. He was afraid that everyone would be able to tool-tole-teal-tilapia-TELL that it was him pulling the strings. President Putin, however, has offered to give our Dear Leader pointers, though. So at some point you may see a puppet at the podium.”

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The American public shouldn’t expect the Trump administration to stop being “cuckish wimps” any time soon, Spicer said.

“You notice how the president doesn’t ever venture into blue states unless it’s to one of his resort properties with a golf course,” Spicer asked rhetorically, “Can you imagine how the red states would howl if Obama did the same thing? Clearly Mr. Trump doesn’t want to be confronted with the reality that he is, likely, the most hated entity in America today. So yeah. We’re not gonna stop being cuckish wimps for the foreseeable future.”

According to Gallup, Trump’s current approval rating is 38%.

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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