White Guy Really Super-Pumped Things Are Finally Starting To Look Up For White Guys

HOBART, ARKANSAS — 54-year-old Trump supporter Clem O’Connell says he “finally has a bright future to look forward to” after eight years of the Barack Hussein Obama presidential administration.

“It’s been eight long-suffering years,” O’Connell told his podcast audience this week, “for us whites being considered equals by the president.” O’Connell says that for rural white people, being considered equal to everyone else is “an un-American blow to the ego.” He said that for far too long “minorities have felt catered to” and they need to “realize this country was founded by white people.”

“So we deserve to be just a little more equal, don’t you think,” Clem asked.

O’Connell made an impassioned plea to people of color during the latest episode of “Incredible Bias,” the alt-right podcast he hosts every week. Clem begged minorities to “have a heart” and “try to see things through white people’s eyes.”

“Maybe those uppity minorities could have a little sympathy for us,” Clem demanded, “having to endure nearly an entire decade as not being the most important priority and catered to our every whim.”

Clem told his audience that “liberals are ignoring our plight” and that he feels “they all need a real history lesson.”

“For eight long, grueling years,” Clem said, “we lived under a black president. Now I ask you, when was white malehood ever represented for as long? Other than the preceding 232 years and now the next four to eight, of course.”

Mr. O’Connell said that “it’s like, finally as a white male”  he knows and feels confident that “society still wants and needs to cater to my specific needs.” Clem said he wasn’t so sure after such a “crazy long period of a black guy in the White House” if that was the case anymore, but the election of Trump and Trump’s selection of Steve Bannon — a known white nationalist who used to run Breitbart News — shows that “somewhere out there someone’s still thinking of the little guy who’s actually part of the statistical majority.”

“I’ve been needing validation so much because lately,” Clem said, “it feels like only 98 or 99 percent of the things in life are meant to please me in some way.” Trump’s election, Clem boasted, “is proof that you can’t keep white people equal forever.”

“It looks like eight years of systemic equality has finally proven too much for we whites, and we’ve said enough,” Clem said, “and I’m so proud of us for doing that. I have so much pride in the power of our white skin. Who knew white people could be so powerful in America, huh?”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This