White Claw Reveals Its 7 Least Popular Flavors

Adult beverage maker White Claw has become quite popular over the last year or so. Thanks its line of “hard seltzer” malt beverages, White Claw has become a staple of middle-class gatherings of all sizes. Their fruity and tropical flavors seem to have really captured a portion of the alcohol market. You might be surprised to found out, however, that not every flavor they try ends up being a rousing success with consumers.

Recently, White Claw divulged that they ship “test flavors” all over the country in smaller batches, and then gauge consumer reaction to those new flavors. At the same time they announced this process, White Claw released a list of some of the flavors and their descriptions that just didn’t quite make the cut. We thought you might be interested in what some of those failed flavors were, and so we put together a list of seven flavors, which White Claw says are its seven least popular flavors ever produced.

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7. Coronavirus Testing Kit

When word of the novel coronavirus pandemic outbreak reaching the U.S. broke, White Claw at first thought they might be able to capitalize on the event by creating a flavor that tasted like licking a used COVID-19 testing swab. However, two things ultimately doomed this flavor. For starters, just as White Claw released it to the sample markets, entire communities started entering shelter in place lockdown mode, in an attempt to flatten the curve of infections. Secondly, people who tried it said that it was “absolutely fucking disgusting.”

6. Cum Rag Coconut

What’s a cum rag, you ask? Well, it’s pretty self-explanatory. It’s a rag or other cloth-like scrap of material that’s used to clean up after someone ejaculates. Why, exactly, the executives at White Claw decided that people were dying for an alcoholic beverage that tastes exactly like stuffing a cum rag in your mouth is anyone’s guess. However, they did add coconut, which one company insider said they were “really hoping out balance out the cum-tastic tang” in the beverage. Instead, it just tasted like someone wiped a coconut with a cum rag, and it was deemed one of the company’s most abysmal flavor failures.

5. Rotting Grapefruit

On paper, a rotting grapefruit flavor sounds absolutely disgusting, and according to White Claw, it was! So what made them decide to try out a flavor called “rotting grapefruit?” A misguided attempt to educate consumers on the process of fermentation, the scientific process of creating alcohol. When a fruit rots, the sugar inside could ferment, and the resulting chemical reaction could be alcoholic in nature. White Claw scientists were hoping to introduce this concept to consumers, but ended up just making a drink that tasted like dead, decaying biological matter. Oops!

4. Shit

Taste is subjective. Some may feel that every flavor of White Claw tastes like shit, but that wasn’t good enough for them. Last year, in a truly inexplicable turn of events, White Claw released it’s “Shit” test flavor. It was supposed to taste exactly how you’re imagining it was supposed to taste. Surprisingly, though everyone who tried the new flavor absolutely hated it, White Claw says their Shit flavored beverage was still preferred 3-to-1 to Budweiser and 10-to-1 to Miller Genuine Draft.

3. Nacho Cheese Chalupa Collab With Taco Bell

The craft beer boom as brought about a slew of new beers that are “collab” brews. That’s “collaboration” in the shorthand. Rum distillers will work with brewers, and and brewers will work with other brewers on “collab” beers. White Claw apparently wanted to get in on the “collab” game and hooked up with alleged-Mexican fast food restaurant Taco Bell to do so. The Nacho Cheese Chalupa White Claw was such an abysmal failure that it threatened to take down both companies. It was agreed that every case of it would be buried in the New Mexico desert and never spoken about again.

2. Roman Vomitorium

In the days of the Roman Empire, vomitoriums were introduced. They were exactly what the name implies. Namely, they were places to go and eat yourself into oblivion and then you could use a feather and a bucket to induce vomiting. Eating disorder-shmeating smishshmorder, the Romans said! Now, why on Earth would White Claw put out a flavor named after the Roman barf houses? Who knows. But sources say they “absolutely nailed that puke in your mouth flavor.” Which would explain why it was one of the worst-selling flavors in the company’s history. Though, some say that the flavor might have failed because it didn’t quite distinguish itself enough from some of the already existing flavors in White Claw’s product line.

1. Biscuits and Gravy and Malt Liquor

You might think that an adult beverage that’s fizzy and tastes like country gravy smothering two big ol’ buttermilk biscuits would be disgusting. You’d be completely right in that assumption. And according to even White Claw’s executives, it was unanimously decided that the Biscuits and Gravy Malt Liquor would be an absolutely horrid flavor profile for one of their drinks. But that didn’t stop them from also unanimously approving its creation. So if you find yourself a can, consider yourself lucky; it was only produced for three days. Also, do yourself a favor and never drink it; unless you need your stomach pumped already, of course.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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