This Weeping Man Will Pummel Your Snowflake Ass If You Make Fun of His Dear Sweet President Again!

“Leave Donald Trump alone! You hear me?! Leave my dear, sweet, cherubic, white collar criminal of a president alone,” John Wilkes shouts at the top of his lungs, with tears absolutely pouring down his face. “I’m sick and tired of you cucky, jerk-mouthed, soyboy beta libtards insulting my handsome, intelligent, wonderful president who happens to have regular sized hands and a normal penis in every way, shape or form.”

John called us up to threaten to beat anyone up who he happens to catch making fun of President Donald Trump.

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“Fuck your feelings, okay, libjerks? FUCK THEM! I don’t care if your feelings are hurt about Trump winning, that doesn’t give you the right to hurt my feelings, or worse,” John yelled at us, “the president’s feelings! Isn’t anyone going to protect the septuagenarian trust fund racist’s feelings in all of this?!”

Mr. Wilkes says he’s “shocked, appalled, and outraged” at all the “total disrespect” he’s seen shown towards Trump.

“You gotta show him the same exact respect we showed your secret Kenyan communist sharia lovin’ socialist with a fake birth certificate and a wife who has a penis, wanted to take ‘In God We Trust’ off the money and coins,” Wilkes yelled, “put us all in FEMA camps, take our guns, and force us to terrorist fist bump each other while we get gay married to abortion doctors, fam! You have to show Dear President more respect than we showed Obama, actually, because we’re old, white, and outnumber you. It’s in the Constitution. I know it is.”

Last week, John says he got into quite a fight at his local grocery store.

“I was walking down the frozen food aisle, and I hear this betacuck saying something about how if Trump’s so exonerated by Mueller, why’s he trashing Mueller, and that sent me into a goddamn rage,” Wilkes told us. “I challenged him to a fight right there and then in the store. Of course, he told me to grow up and get over it because it’s a free country, but I told him it ain’t no free country for no libtards. And Is wear I’d have kicked that sixty year old man’s ass if he would’ve let me.”

Wilkes plans on going down to the local community college to see if he can bait someone into a fight.

“I dare any pansy bitch ass libtard to come at me! I dare you! Sure, I get triggered into a hysterical crying fit every time you criticize him, and sure, unlike with Obama y’all got non-racist reasons to criticize him, but that don’t matter to me,” Wilkes told us. “It’s just…so hard to hear people saying mean things about the mean bully you made president just to own the libs for daring to elect a black Democrat! It just makes me…so…sad…”

John started crying uncontrollably. Through his sobs, however, he issued another threat.

“And…if…you don’t…stop…picking…on…him…I’m…gonna…kick your ass…as soon as I stop…crying,” Wilkes promised. “You can count on that, libs!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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