Weather Channel To Start Including Local Shooting Forecasts in U.S.

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — In the wake of a pair of mass shootings,  one in El Paso, Texas, and the other in Dayton, Ohio, The Weather Channel announced this week that will start including hourly, daily, and weekly mass shooting forecasts in their local weather segments they broadcast. The move comes in response to the fact that, as one media liaison for the channel put it, “it’s becoming easier to predict a mass shooting than the weather in the U.S. right now.”

“Over the years, prognostication of weather events has become pretty darned accurate,” Susan McWilliams, Deputy Assistant Media Liaison for the Weather Channel told reporters at a press conference, “but even with advances in satellite technology, we couldn’t predict a tornado with nearly the amount of accuracy with which we can predict a mass shooting will occur within the United States.”

McWilliams told reporters that the channel won’t have to install any special equipment to predict mass shootings.

“By the middle of June last of 2017, there were 133 mass shootings,” McWilliams said, “so it’s really not going to even be so much predicting them as reminding people that there will be at least one that day.”

Much like high-wind, flash flood, or tornado advisories, Ms. McWilliams says that the Weather Channel will also start including “Kevlar advisories.” Those, she says, will be saved for when a mass shooting is in progress in a local area and residents need to be warned to “take proper precautions” before going outside.

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“If it’s raining outside you want to know so you can grab your rain boots and umbrella,” McWilliams stated, “and so it’s not any different with mass shootings. You’re going to want to get your vest and helmet on if you have to run to pick up your kids from school and some misguided patriot has decided to use his semi-automatic firearm in the exact way it was designed to be used, we figure.”

Reached for comment, National Rifle Association Executive-Vice President Wayne LaPierre told the press he was “super-duper happy any time guns are mentioned in any capacity” and that “as long as the American people do not go more than twelve to thirteen hours without having a gun either literally or metaphorically shoved in their face, terrorists and our own tyrannical and duly elected government will never win.”

“Guns,” LaPierre statement read, “are for lack of a better word…good.”

The mass shooting forecasts will begin airing next month in select areas and should be fully implemented channel-wide by the end of next year, McWilliams said. In unrelated news, a whole lot of people in other countries never thought about, much less were forced to deal with, a gun in their lives because their culture isn’t obsessed with the goddamned things.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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