We Put a Gun To These 5 People’s Heads and Asked Them About Gun Control

Gun control. If you’re against it, you are clearly a liberty loving, true, red-blooded, ammo-hoarding patriot. If you are for it — in any way — you clearly hate your fellow Americans and want them to die trampled under the boot heel of an oppressive, tyrannical government. But are there possibly other, more nuanced views of guns that are held in this country? As unlikely as that is, we wanted to find out, so we asked five random people we found on the street how they felt about gun control. But we wanted to make sure they were honest, so we put a gun to their heads to make sure they felt the right amount of pressure to be forthright about guns.

Ron Pillman; Lake Hope, FL: 

guy 1Um, can you get that thing away from me? No. Okay. Then I guess, I like guns? Is that the answer you want to hear? I’ll say whatever it is you want me to say, just please stop pointing your gun at me.




Betty Sue Malloy; Springfield, TN:

woman1I love guns! Guns are great! I use them to make potato salad and often times I take my gun out for strolls along the beach. In fact, if I could say one thing about guns, it’d be that they just about make me the happiest person alive! Is he gone? Is the guy with the gun gone? Thank God, now I can breathe again. I hope I said what he wanted me to say.



Cody Iaccono; Cold Wells, CT: 

man2I’m a free market libertarian, gun loving patriot. You’re not scaring me with that gun, because I have my own gun right here. Oh wait, you’ve already gotten the drop on me, like what happens in a lot of shooting situations, and I don’t have time to get my gun out, steady my nerves, concentrate, aim and fire at you before you blow my fucking head off. Oh well, at least I’d die by one of the greatest things in America ever: a gun.

Sam Hobart, Sun Valley, AZ:

man3I’ll answer your question, but do you have to put the gun to my head like that? You do? Why? No, I’m not being a libtard, I’m just asking. Because I’m a Republican and I am generally okay with guns, but you are taking this too far — No, no I don’t want any trouble. Okay. Okay. Yes. Guns are good. I like guns all the time everywhere. If I am in a place with no guns, I feel unsafe until there is a gun there. Okay, now can I go? Why? Oh jeeez. Okay, fine. Also, Obama better not take my guns because “shall not be infringed.” There, are we done here? Sheesh.


Jane Sarkizian, Ridge Valley, CA:

woman2Uh, uh. Umm. It’s really kind of hard for me to think actually, with that gun pointed at my head. I can’t seem to get away from your gun long enough to formulate an opinion based on anything but gut reaction in the moment. I’d like to take some time to sit down and work out the pros and cons of a society where guns are so easily obtained, and weigh that against everyone’s right to protect themselves, but with the gun in my face this whole time, I feel rushed so I’m just going to say, yeah, okay, guns are fine. Can I go now, this is very scary.


And so there you have it, no matter what, Americans love guns and don’t want anyone to do anything about gun violence…until someone they love gets shot. But that’s a survey for another time!

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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