Everyone loves to get presents for Christmas, even politicians! With the primary season starting in full swing in just a couple of weeks, we thought we’d ask the politicians running for president wat was on the top of their Christmas Wish List, and we weren’t disappointed. Check it out!
Carly Fiorina (R) — I would like a body camera, microphones, and a suite of editing software. That way I can more bullshi- I mean totally truthful videos about Planned Parenthood and hopefully inspire another rage killing. Oh wait, I was supposed to maintain the ruse that my hyperbolic rhetoric had nothing to do with convincing that crazy fuck he needed to attack that clinic in Colorado Springs. Rest assured, I’ll be better at this next time you ask me.
Martin O’Malley (D) — I would like for someone to recognize me. Not even on the streets, just in the debates. My own mother asked where I was the night of the last debate, and when I told her I was on TV, she was like, “Hmm, I must have missed you or something.”
Mike Huckabee (R) — I’m a simple man, being a follower of Christ and all, so all I want is: a tub of good gravy, six issues of Religious Zealot Monthly, 14 brand new Bushmaster AR-15 rifles, one metric tonne of ammunition for for the AR-15s, a giant golden cross I can put on my front lawn, a new house so I can have a new lawn to put my new golden cross and a bunker to hold all my new firearms in, a million dollars tax-free, a case of beef jerky a day delivered to my new house, and, um, I don’t know, a Bible or some shit.
Rand Paul (R) — For someone to AUDIT THE FED! AUDIT THE FED! AUDIT THE FED! AUDIT THE FED! AUDIT THE FED! AUDIT THE FED! AUDIT THE FED! AUDIT THE FED! AUDIT THE FED!
Hillary Clinton (D) — Well, that is a tough a question to answer, humanoid. My thought processor algorithm is concluding that my answer should be: Put me down for whatever Bernie Sanders wants, but you know, Hillary-style.
Rick Santorum (R) — Peace on Earth and goodwill to men, unless they love other men. That’s just wrong and gross and bad and they should come over to my house and do it in front of me over, and over, and over again so I can, you know, condemn them. I’ll condemn them so hard. What was I saying?
Ted Cruz (R) — I want Obamacare repealed, no matter how many poor people lose their insurance. I want the government shut down if that doesn’t happen, no matter how many people will lose the vital services they depend on and how much it hurts scientific research. I want to grind this country of ours into a fine powder by dismantling everything we built in an effort to make a more perfect union, because I truly believe that by making everyone twist in the wind and die in the streets broke and hungry, we are doing God’s work. Amen. God bless me, amirite?
Bernie Sanders (D) — I don’t much care what I get for Christmas, as long as those who are in the one percent that don’t believe in paying their fair share on the Naughty List, that is good enough for me. Also, a choo-choo train would be pretty sweet.
Ben Carson (R) — Potato!
Donald Trump (R) — I literally have one of everything, that’s how much a winner I am. So instead of making a list of things to give me, I’m making a list of things I’ll give you for Christmas, if you elect me: Winning, more winning, winning yooge, a wall, a yooger wall around the first wall, soda in the water fountains, longer recess periods, and more choices in the student store. Also, I’ll round up all the Mexicans and Muslims and then we can decide what to do with them, okay? Whatever.