If you thought National Rifle Association CEO Wayne LaPierre loved guns after you read his blunt and at times apocalyptic op-ed he wrote for The Daily Caller, you’ll just flip your lid for the accompanying love letter he wrote to his guns. Initially The Daily Caller was going to run the love letter side-by-side the op-ed, but for whatever reason they didn’t, and instead sent it to me. Crazy coincidence, of course.

So here now is Wayne LaPierre’s Lost Love Poem to His Guns.

Ode to My Piece

I love my piece, I love it so much
It’s always so responsive to my caress and my touch
I just love running my hand up and down the rounded curves
I can’t wait to pull it out and show all the boys the girls

I love my piece, it makes up for other things being so short
I get so sick and tired of hearing them all chuckle and snort
I love my piece, It’s nice to know I’m packing heat somewhere
Especially when I’m so thoroughly lacking in my underwear

Of course I need a semi-auto to go hunt!
What if that deer or duck is packing too?
Let me be completely blunt,
Blocking common sense reforms is  just what we do

I love my piece, more than life itself for sure
Being a scared, old white guy  has only one cure
You stock up, lock, load and fire
Gosh, I can already feel my loins burning with desire!

I take you out, rub you with my hands
Your cold steel gives me a tingle in my man glands
I just can’t get over how hard you make me in my pants
Let’s go out on the town and have a song and a dance!

If only I could have you as my bride
I’d lay you down and rub your hide
We’d find a way to make a baby, and play house for all our days
I need you to protect me from the blacks, Hispanics, women and gays!

All around me, I see threats to my conservative, white, Christian life
But all I need to protect me is you, my beautiful Gun/Wife!