FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — Law enforcement authorities in Virginia this morning announced that they’d responded to a 911 call late Wednesday night that came from the residence of NRA Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre. What they found, they said, was “carnage like we’ve not seen in this country for at least 72 hours.”
When deputies arrived on the scene, they found several thoughts prayers dead on the front lawn, and LaPierre hovering over them, a semi-automatic AR-15 rifle under each arm, his chest heaving. The officers reportedly heard LaPierre screaming at the thoughts and prayers as they lie dead, “Do you see what happens? Do you see what happens, thoughts and prayers? Do you see what happens when you try to find a stranger in the Alps,” LaPierre demanded.
“I told the officers that I was outside on my front porch, cleaning two of my beautiful, glistening, God-given semi-autos,” LaPierre told reporters as coroners hauled the empty husks of American’s hopes of a future with less gun violence away, “and these thoughts and prayers just start wandering onto my property. They said they came from all over America from the hearts and souls of American citizens, who just want me to stop stoking fear and paranoia to sell more guns to scared people.”
LaPierre said he had hoped firing a warning burst from his left arm’s AR-15 would “do the trick” and they’d all scatter. That, however, did not happen. Instead, LaPierre says the thoughts and prayers quietly admonished him again to simply consider not being such a “hardcore gun knobber.” This was a bridge too far, in LaPierre’s eyes.
“So I heaved up my other AR under my right arm, and I opened fire and those thoughts and prayers,” LaPierre said, “and I stood my ground but good.” Mr. LaPierre told the media that while he wasn’t happy about having to kill thoughts and prayers on his property that he was ultimately “okay” with it because “they weren’t really going to do anything about gun violence in this country anyway.”
It’s unclear at this time whether the incident will be classified as a mass shooting, as technically there were no living human beings shot or killed. However, one law enforcement official said it could be viewed as a hate crime because “LaPierre clearly hates the idea of selling even one fewer gun each year,” but admitted that was probably just a stretch and sounded more like a satirical point one might make in a fake news story.
A candlelight vigil will be held in Virginia for the fallen thoughts and prayers. In lieu of more thoughts and prayers, families of the victims have asked that Americans “actually fucking do something, for once.”