Wayne LaPierre Sends Care Package of Cookies, Guns, Ammo to Oregon Militia Squatters

BURNS, OREGON — NRA Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre has made no bones in the past about his distrust of the federal government. After many of the mass shootings that have taken place during President Barack Obama’s two presidential terms, LaPierre is often heard reminding Americans that in the wake of an incident involving guns that have fallen into the hands of someone who shouldn’t have them, the answer is to give more guns to more people, and any suggestion to the otherwise he dismisses. Sources close to LaPierre are confirming at the time of publication that a care package that arrived on the doorstep of the bird observatory in Burns, Oregon that has been taken over by armed militiamen that contained homemade cookies and an assortment of firearms and ammunition was in fact sent by the NRA executive himself.

The package arrived early Tuesday morning with a simple note, “I love you all so, so much. Keep up the good fight, WLP.” It was assumed that the “WLP” could have been Mr. LaPierre, but a phone call to his office has confirmed it. However, in an interesting twist, his office says that while the cookies, guns and ammo were for the militiamen, the “I love you all” part of the letter was addressed to all the various guns the militia has in their caches.

“Mr LaPierre loves guns with all his heart,” one NRA office intern told us, “so he told us all he wanted to send a note to the guns out in Oregon, to let them know he’s thinking about them.” The same intern also told reporters that LaPierre figured “more guns and bullets couldn’t hurt” so he sent them out to the militia with the note. “The cookies,” the intern said, “were just a nice, personal touch. Mr. LaPierre is one hell of a baker, as it turns out.”

Future care packages may be sent by the NRA as well, sources say. One field office employee told reporters that the organization was thinking of sending “edible arrangements, ammunition magazines, and pornography featuring cousin-on-cousin sex” to keep the militia’s “spirits and boners up.” The same source said that “the NRA is prepared to help any insurrection necessary” and that “only libtards would look askance at a bunch of presumably unemployed yokels gunning up and taking over a federal building” because “libtards are afraid of what real, true blue, American patriotism looks, smells and tastes like.”

“Mr. LaPierre has already approved a new fundraising campaign to get the Oregon squatters — excuse me — militiamen — more provisions such as Pringles, Kraft mac n’ cheese, and again, more cousin-on-cousin porn,” NRA sub-executive junior spokesman Cash Gachette told reporters, “and we’ll keep supporting them as long as they keep up the good work. And by work of course I mean, ‘not working but actually sitting with their fingers either up their asses or resting on their triggers,’ of course.”

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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