FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — The National Rifle Association announced this week they plan to back legislative efforts in all 50 states that they feel will “drastically change the perception” of the NRA as a group that is mostly concerned with gun manufacturer profits and not much else.
NRA Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre told reporters at a press conference on Wednesday that his organization plans to spend “considerable funds” supporting legislation that would limit people who are suspected terrorists to “just 10 guns apiece,” which LaPierre said he was “still on the fence about anyway” because “limiting access to guns for anyone, even people who we think might eventually use them to inflict a whole lot of harm is like six Holocausts combined.”
“There is no reason to tell anyone they can’t buy a single, glistening, turgid, cold, hard, throbbing firearm if they want one,” LaPierre told reporters, “even when we have reason to believe those people are terrorists.” However, LaPierre said, he and his fellow NRA board members “acknowledge a need” to appear to “give at least a couple fucks about public safety” so they don’t “really anger people enough to where they might actually stop buying a new gun every two weeks” because the NRA has “helped them feel scared enough to need to do so.”
Limiting people on the terror watch list to ten guns, to LaPierre though, is a “fair compromise” between “the vision the Founders clearly had where there’d be a gun in every room in every home in every town” and “the liberal freak fantasy world where people treat guns with respect and honor and not like candy and toys and play things.” LaPierre reiterated to reporters that “the NRA would prefer to have people simply stockpile weapons than limit anyone’s right to own a sweet, innocent, can bake cookies with it, firearm,” but that the group also “wanted to keep making money” and “will pay lip service to whatever it takes” to do just that.
“Only an idiot would want suspected terrorists to have unlimited guns,” LaPierre said, “but 10 guns seems just about right. That’s a reasonable amount of guns for a suspected terrorist. It’s of course a completely useless number of guns for Americans who are not terrorists.” LaPierre said the average American needs no less than 22 guns. “That’s four guns in your bedroom, four guns for hunting, six guns in your car — three in the glove box, three in the trunk — two guns in the bathroom in case you’re attacked while you’re pooping, or you need to shoot the poop out of your butt if your constipated, and of course one gun to lube up and stick your dick into.”
“Oh,” LaPierre said before snapping his fingers and disappearing in a red cloud that smelled like sulfur, “and your wife and kids are each going to need a minimum of 15 guns each as well. Because, um, knockout game, or Muslims or something.”