FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — National Rifle Association Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre told reporters today that he won’t have time to equivocate about gun violence after a week of deadly police shootings and a sniper incident in Dallas that left five police officers dead. He’s too busy, LaPierre side, trying to get blood off his hands.
“You all know that in the wake of deadly shootings I usually disappear for a few days and then come back out with a platitude and talking point riddled bunch of word salad,” LaPierre told the press via conference call Friday morning, “and imply that guns are never a problem. But right now I’m too busy washing the blood of Alton Sterling, Philando Castille, and the slain Dallas PD officers from my hands to use them to write nonsense about good guys with guns.”
LaPierre said that the Sterling and Castille cases were going to be “particularly hard” for him to figure out because they involve lawful gun owners.
“But both gun owners were black,” LaPierre said, “and we have a strict policy at the NRA of only defending white people’s gun rights so as not to scare our more…racially intolerant members.”
While he says that washing the blood free from his hands would take up most of his time anyway, even if Pierre had managed to clean them by now the Dallas incident would have him “locked away for even longer than usual.”
“We all know that when I say that good guys with guns are the only way to stop bad guys with guns it’s the gospel truth,” LaPierre said, “but in Dallas there were dozens and dozens of good guys and they were among those killed by bad guys. Then again, the sniper rifle used in the attack was very likely purchased legally, making him a good guy who was standing up to a tyrannical government in his mind, and so, well, I’m really confused right now. Hold me.”
LaPierre stated that once he has the blood off his hands, and he’s finished masturbating to the gun industry’s profit windfall he will help generate by ginninig up paranoia among gun nuts, he will take the time to write his statement on this week’s violence.