Wayne LaPierre: My Bank Account Needs You to Protect It With Guns

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — Wayne LaPierre, Executive Vice President of the National Rifle Association held a press conference early Monday morning to, as he put it,  “address the real issue at hand” in the discussion of gun rights in the United States of America.

“I would like to take the time now,” LaPierre told an assembled group of the media, “to talk about the mass shootings in recent weeks. One in Colorado Springs, and the other in San Bernardino.” Mr. LaPierre was referencing two of the most recent events in the U.S. that involved armed assailants attacking civilians and leaving multiple casualties in their wake. “Many in this country are starting to wonder if the NRA can somehow help stem the tide of mass shootings, which the FBI says are definitely on the rise.” But LaPierre, however, said “discussions about mass shootings are distraction from the real, central core issue of guns in America.”

LaPierre, who famously said in the wake of one mass shooting that “the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is with a good guy with a gun,” then told reporters what he feels is “most important when discussing gun rights in America.” He told reporters that “if we are going to address the issue then we must address the real issue at hand — my bank account. ”

“My bank account needs you to protect it,” LaPierre said directly into the camera lenses, “and it needs your protection more than you need to protect yourself.” Mr. LaPierre, spittle forming in the sides of his mouth, insisted that “only by making sure [his] account balance grows can America truly stem the tide of gun violence” and that “things like universal background checks and magazine capacity limits that have been shown to be helpful in both deterring mass shootings and ending them more quickly when they do happen” are “total and complete bullshit,” as he said.

Then LaPierre handed reporters his bank account statements for the last 12 months. “See,” he said, “you can tell that after every mass shooting, gun sale profits go up, and when that happens, my overlords — excuse me, partners in firearm rights protection — and I see more money in our accounts.” That money, LaPierre says, “is vital to the possibility of my third vacation home” and that home, he says, “will have guns in it” so “that’s pretty much all that matters to gun lovers anyway.”