Washington Nationals Couldn’t Get Trump To Throw Their First Pitch And Went With An Orange Bag Of Diarrhea

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Since the Washington Nationals moved from Montreal to the nation’s capital, returning Major League Baseball to the Hill for the first time in decades, every sitting U.S. President has thrown out the first pitch of their home opener. Co-President Donald Trump is no stranger to bucking tradition, and this year he will not be throwing out the first pitch. The White House aid it was due to a “scheduling conflict,” though some have speculated that the alleged billionaire doesn’t want to take the risk of being openly and publicly booed by tens of thousands of people, and that’s why he’s not participating.

At an early morning press conference, the Nationals announced that they have found what they are calling a “suitable Trump analogue” they hope will trick Trump supporters into believing is him. Trump’s replacement, the Nats hope, could also satisfy his many detractors who loathe and despise him. Trump, readers may recall, is the least popularly-elected president of all time, having lost to Hillary Clinton in the popular vote tally by roughly 3 million votes, which Trump has since dismissed as being likely illegal immigrants voting in California, though to date he has provided absolutely no evidence for that claim, which some veracity experts call an “utter bullshit lie,” a technical term used by those in the truth industry to describe things so ridiculously false they insult the very notion of truth to begin with.

“Instead of having Co-President Trump up on the bump firing off the  first pitch of the 2017 season,” Nationals Junior Media Liaison Mallory Huxtable told the press, “we’re going to fill a giant black trash bag, you know like the ones contractors use? We’re going to spray paint that bag bright orange, fill it with diarrhea, and mount it to a pitching machine.”

The pitching machine, Huxtable said, will be hooked up to the stadium’s public address system. Racist epithets and Breitbart headlines will be recorded by someone doing a “really great, accurate” Trump impression. Between the orange garbage bag, the hot, foamy diarrhea, and the spewing nonsense, the Nats are hoping no one — Trump supporter or hater — will notice the alleged billionaire isn’t in attendance.

“We considered some other options for the Trump analogue,” Huxtable said, “like we had this idea to take wet, stinking garbage and pile it into the back of an old piece of shit GM from the early eighties, which we’d have spray painted orange and slapped a Mercedes or BMW hood ornament on, and then have that car hooked up to the pitching machine. But that was a lot of work, when all we had to do for the diarrhea bag option was eat a lot of Taco Bell and Chipotle.”

The Nationals will play their home opener on April 3rd, 2017 against the Miami Marlins.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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