WalMart To Stop Selling Confederate Flags And Roll-Out ‘Racist A-Hole’ Merchandise Instead

BETNONVILLE, ARKANSAS — Amid a tidal wave of backlash from some of its customers, retail giant WalMart has agreed to start carrying shirts that a representative for the mega-corporation told reporters at a recent press conference “will hopefully make the flag hags chill out.

According to Susan McPhillips, Wal-Mart intends to roll-out merchandise with the words “Racist Asshole” emblazoned on it. “From shirts, to mugs to vanity license plates, we know that certain types of people really liked their racist icongraphy. But we also wanted to stop pretending as if it was the 1860s still, and at the same time signal that while some our customers might be willfully ignorant, history revising slavery apologists, not all of are.” So, says McPhillips, her company came up with an alternative line of merchandise that would “get the same point across.”

RELATED: Local Confederate Flag Defender Really Tired Of ‘Libtards Not Accepting’ President Trump

“We believe in the First Amendment here at Wal-Mart,” McPhillips told the press, “but we also believe in being succinct. So we went with the subtext of the confederate flag, and a very simple two-word phrase popped out. Racist Asshole. Short, sweet, and to the point. Our focus group testing showed that surprisingly, many who usually bought confederate flag merch have zero problem openly declaring their racism. Who knew,” asked McPhillips rhetorically.

One confederate flag sympathizer, Harold Gunt, told The Political Garbage Chute that he “wishes Walmart would reconsider and keep selling stuff that feeds our false narrative of the war and its causes” but that he is still “stoked that [he] can get the most important point across.”

Ms. McPhillips says the new line will be in stores this fall, and if it does well they plan to roll out other merchandise in the line such as “Slavery Apologist” and “Totes Okay With Fighting for the Right to Own Black People Like They Were Furniture.”

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This