Big Time Wall Street Asshole Really Lovin’ That Socialism (and Cocaine) Now, Mothafuckas!

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — “You know what,” Will Palumbozo asked our reporter over coffee that costs more than $14 after gratuity a couple of days ago, “do you have any idea how much I am fuckin’ lovin’ that socialism shit right now? I’ll tell you much, motherfucker. I’m lovin’ it ‘fourteen dollar coffee and fifty dollar coke key bump’ much. That’s how fuckin’ much, motherfuckerrrrrrrrr.”

The key bump is produced, and Will sucks it up into his face with force. We were heading over to the coffee shop — the kind of place Will loves to insult on Twitter — when the news broke that the Fed had just authorized another nearly trillion dollar dump of cash into the financial sector. All told, there’s been over two trillion dollars injected into Will’s economic sector since just last week, and ordinarily a “free market guy,” as he calls himself, would decry such a move as pure socialist fantasy and market manipulation. Now?

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“I used to really hate the idea of socialism, at least when it was helping the poor. I mean, if they’re poor, why should we help them, when they probably don’t work hard enough to be un-poor, like me. My dad told me when he got me my job that I had to work hard to keep it or he wouldn’t tell the board not to fire me, and you know what? After the first three times he had to convince them not to fire me, I really shaped-up. But, right now? Socialism is fuckin’ great when it’s you getting the help you need,” Will said. “I was starting to check my accounts every day, wondering if the money I’ve got saved up will last, and for how long. I couldn’t even bring myself to check my offshore accounts yet, though. Too nerve-racking.”

Coronavirus fears apparently have started to make true believers in the socialist cause out of guys like Will, who by day is a stock trade account manager and by night rants and raves on social media about “libtards,” “guns,” and “owning the libs.” Palumbozo was raised by conservative parents, and throughout his life has largely espoused the belief system they instilled in him, shunning attempts by previous presidential administrations to spur economic recovery or growth with stimulus packages. Now, however, that he’s seen it in action, and it was used to help bolster the sector of the economy he works in, Will’s pretty okay with aid packages.

“I tell you what, it feels so good knowing that the money the Fed just dumped into the markets went to us instead of some WIC program,” Will said, sipping his coffee. “I mean, it only makes sense to bail out the people who have all the money, doesn’t it? The working class and poors in this country will be better off when everyone at the top is better off. It’s simple supply side economics, which always, always works. Tax cuts for the wealthy, and now socialist bailout programs for them too? Count me in!”

If the market remains volatile, Palumbozo hopes the Trump administration considers even further interference in them.

“Hell, if this keeps up, we may have to nationalize the stock market. I know that sounds crazy, coming from a guy who doesn’t think we should raise taxes a single cent, and that people should be willing to work twelve jobs if they have to in order to survive,” Will tells me. “But, I mean, it’s kinda scary thinking about losing my income! Being at the top of the food chain, I think the government has a duty to keep me happy and employed. God knows I don’t want to end up at the bottom, with all the people who won’t get free money to burn from the Fed, know what I mean?”

Will pulled out his coke and did another bump. He leaned back in his chair. Then, he let out a deep, satisfying sigh.

“I’m sure it’ll all work out. At least we have a president who knows who he needs to look out for first,” Palumbozo suggested, “and at least the Fed is showing signs that they do too. Take care of the big pissers up top, and everyone will get something trickled down onto them, at some point.”

The markets opened down today, again, with the Dow Jones dropping nearly 900 points after trading was halted to safeguard against a crash. When I left Mr. Palumbozo’s company, he was sniffing more coke into his nose. He gave me a wave as I walked out of the coffee shop.

“FUCK YEAH, SOCIALISM IS RAD, FAM,” I could hear Will shouting as the door closed behind me.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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