Scott Walker, Jeb!, and Donald Trump are three very different men, with very different backgrounds. All three, however, are in the race to win the 2016 Republican presidential nomination, and all three have been jockeying for position as the most conservative when it comes to immigration, specifically how to handle undocumented immigrants.
Trump was the first to come out swinging hard, releasing a policy paper that outlined his plan for immigration reform that included erecting a massive wall that Mexico itself would be expected to pay for, and in ending the birthright citizenship clause contained within the 14th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America. Walker, wanting not to lose any more ground in the polls to the billionaire tycoon, came out in support of ending birthright citizenship, and Jeb! waded into the shallower ends of that ideological pool, agreeing with the other two that stricter enforcement of laws to make sure no one is using the birthright clause — the language in the amendment that for over 100 years has been held in the courts’ view to confer citizenship to any child born in the United States, regardless of the citizenship of its parents — fraudulently.
Sources close to all three campaigns are now saying that their candidates are going to float yet one more trial balloon of an idea on immigration reform to see what the Republican base thinks. One Jeb! aide said of this new idea that “we all know it’s going to be wildly popular among the most die-hard, rock-ribbed conservatives” and a Trump aide said that “Mr. Trump feels that only total losers would reject this idea on its face.” Walker’s camp said that the Wisconsin governor is still “reading slowly through the proposal, but the pictures draw on the side of the margins really help him visualize the changes, so he’s good with them.”
“It’s becoming increasingly clear to true, red-blooded, God-fearing, ammo-hoarding patriots that this country has completely gone off the track from where it was meant to be,” a source in the Jeb! camp told us, “and so it’s time to put this country back on the right path. The only way to do that is to remove everything from the Constitution except the Second Amendment,” the aide told us.
One Trump staffer told us that “from the preamble to the 14th amendment to women’s suffrage, it all has to go like the language of losers that it is.” The Trump source also said that “Trump knows that the only real important amendment is the gun one because guns can fix any problem a society has; just ask Somalia.” While Trump himself “isn’t all that hardcore about guns,” according to the staffer, he is “hardcore about winning and that means pandering to the far right base like he’s been doing the whole time.”
“Governor Walker feels a level of confidentiality with the Second Amendment that he just doesn’t feel with the amendments that were radishfied after and during the Reconstructive Era,” the Walker 2016 campaign worker told our reporter. “The governor knows,” he went on to tell us, “that things like ending slavery, giving women the right to vote, and establishing an equal protection clause so that all citizens could be treated equally were never important to the founders, and we all know that we are not allowed under binding rules of the universe to do anything that white, land-owning, elitist, long-dead men would have wanted us to do,” and so says the Walker camp, their candidate supports leaving only the Second Amendment’s inalienable right to a firearm in the Constitution.
Trump’s staff told us that “once he’s elected, Mr. Trump will march down to the place where the Constitution is kept with his white out” and remove everything but the Second Amendment. “Guns are a sacred thing, and that is the one part of the current constitution that should never be touched, in Mr. Trump’s view, no matter how many examples we see of needing to put some kind of controls on exactly whom gets access to guns,” said one Trump staffer.
“Look, we can add all that stuff back in eventually,” Walker’s assistant told us adding, “it’s just that right now, there are so many other things we should be worried about. Like debt, and gays getting married and unions daring to think that labor has an equal value to capital or women, like, you know, doing whatever they want with their reproductive organs just like men do. The only way this country is going to get back to where it needs to be — with white, middle-aged, conservative men dictating how things will be — is by dumping most of the Constitution into the Potomac River. Governor Walker knows that since the end of the Civil War that has been a dangerous trend toward expanding liberty to all people, regardless of their race, gender, or sexual orientation, and he knows we have to stop that if we’re ever going to live in the America that doesn’t frighten people with ancient and antiquated belief systems.”
