Voter Weighs Whether New, Potentially Meaningless Emails Mean Orange Diarrhea Should Be President

COLD SPRINGS, NEVADA –When FBI Director James Comey announced last week that new emails had been uncovered on Huma Abedin’s laptop that may or may not pertain to the investigation the bureau did into Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server, Sam Jessup said it gave him “pause.” Though subsequent reporting from The Los Angeles Times has shown that the emails in question didn’t come from or to Ms. Clinton, Jessup says he’s still trying to figure out if the new development means he should vote for Donald Trump instead.

“I mean, sure, the emails weren’t even to or from Hillary,” Jessup says, “but it makes you wonder what Hillary had to do with the emails she had nothing to do with, know what I mean? Maybe what these emails prove is that it’s time for change. And by change, I mean a clear plastic bag full of orange diarrhea in the Oval Office.”

Jessup, a voter who said he was leaning “70/30 Clinton” before last week’s bombshell by Comey, said that the emails are concerning to him, but he’s not really entirely sure why.

“The talk radio stations I listen to on the way to and from work really want me to believe this is a mega important development,” Jessup said, “and when I was at my uncle’s house this weekend he wouldn’t shut up about how it’s obvious a smoking gun belonging to some guy called Ben Gozzi is hidden in the emails, so I’m sure I should totally care about these emails.”

Sam told our reporter that while the mere mention of new emails is “certainly enough to get suspicious about Hillary,” he does find himself wanting more details, though his uncle told him “details are for libtards” and “real ammo-hoarding patriots go on gut instinct alone” and that impulsive decisions like invading Iraq with shoddy and false intelligence were “the hallmarks of American excellence.”

“I just wish the FBI would’ve given us a little more detail,” Jessup said, “so we could know exactly how the emails that never had Hillary’s name in the To or From fields mean for our ability to trust her…when it comes to emails she may have had no fucking clue existed at all in the first place.”

Ultimately, Sam says he sees this year’s election as a “very simple, fundamental question.”

“Do we want to risk national and global security and stability,” Sam asked rhetorically, “by electing a giant, transparent bag of orange diarrhea as president because a politician has acted like a politician in the past, and she happens to be both a woman and a Democrat? I’m leaning toward being anti-diarrheal on Election Day, but it’s just such a tough call. Elect an admittedly wishy-washy and cynical politician, or a guy who retweets white supremacists and inspires actual American Nazis to come out of whatever pile of feces and stupidity they lived under previously.”

A pause, a moment of reflection for Mr. Jessup.

“Tough call, man” Sam said, “tough call.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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