MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Russian President Vladimir Putin, having just finished watching televised coverage of the third and final presidential debate between Hillary Rodham Clinton and Donald J. Trump, reportedly “saw the writing on the wall,” according to highly-placed sources in the Kremlin. Almost immediately after the debate had ended, Putin put a call into Trump, who was busy having the human colored skin makeup removed after the debate. Once he had been restored to his usual, orange luster, Trump reportedly called Putin back using a direct line that the Russian president gave the alleged billionaire “for special conversations” between the two, the Kremlin source tells us.
“Don,” Putin reportedly greeted Trump coldly, “I’m afraid we need to talk, my little Babushka.”
There was a pause on Trump’s end of the line.
“What about, Vladdy,” Trump asked.
“Well, I’m wondering what your refund policy is,” Putin responded, “because, well, I don’t think this is all going to work out the way we’d hoped it would. And I think, well, I think it’s time we talk about your refund policy is all.”
Another pause on Trump’s end. A faint, barely audible fart could be heard. Sources say this is a common phenomenon when Trump is in deep thinking mode.
“I’m afraid I have no refund policy, Vladimir,” Trump said, “I’m an all or nothing kinda guy, you know that.”
Putin reportedly grew agitated, but pressed on gently.
“Now, Don, let’s be reasonable here,” Putin tried plying Trump with calm words, “and just talk it all out. I’m not going to get what I wanted, and it’s only fair that a customer be entitled to a refund if they aren’t going to get the service they paid for, right?”
Mr. Trump, according to the Kremlin source, seemed amenable to Putin’s pleas.
“Well, sure, Vladdy, but I can’t give you all your money back,” Trump said, not so much sheepishly as matter-of-factly, but still with some trepidation in his voice, adding, “not all of it, no.”
President Putin raised an eyebrow. He asked Trump what he meant by saying he couldn’t give “all” the money back. Trump then gave Putin an impromptu accounting of his personal and campaign finances.
“You see, Vladdy, it takes a lot of money to maintain this lifestyle,” Trump explained, “and if I don’t keep Melania and my children stocked-up with cash, things get ugly. They’re vicious people of they don’t get their money out of me. Hell, sometimes I think they only put up with me because I have money that they want. But I know, that’s just silly talk. People love me. All the people love me. Anyway, the point is I had to give a lot of the money to them, already.”
“Well,” Putin responded, “I get it. Money comes, money goes. But you’ve got some of it left over, right?”
“Oh yeah, definitely,” Trump said.
“Good! How much? How about you just give me whatever you have left from the original funds,” Putin asked, “and we just call the whole thing off?”
Trump was quiet for another small moment. Yet another barely audible toot from his rear was heard on Putin’s end of the line. When Putin heard that tootin’, he knew he wasn’t going to be happy with what Trump said next.
“Afraid I can’t do that either,” Trump said.
“Why not,” Putin asked, growing more agitated, but ultimately understanding that when one makes deals with angry orangutans, those deals sometimes sour, “what did you do? Put the money in your foundation’s accounts or something?”
Trump laughed extremely hard.
“No, hell no Vladdy. I don’t put my own money into the charity with my name on it,” Trump bellowed, “what kind of idiot rube do you take me for? Sheesh Vladdy.”
“So then, Don, why can’t I have the balance that’s left over back,” Putin asked, confusedly.
“I’m not exactly sure where it is, that’s why, Vlad,” Trump said.
“But you’re a great businessman, how do you just lose that much money,” Putin asked with more incredulity in his voice.
“I’m a great businessman who has taken multiple businesses into bankruptcy, not paid his bills, and generally been a fiscal nightmare,” Trump said in his defense, “I mean, you really should have done your homework on this one first, pal.”
“You’re right, Don,” President Putin conceded, “you’re completely right. You know what? It’s okay. It’s been really fun, actually, all of this. So, no harm, no foul.”
“You sure,” Trump asked sheepishly, “you sure it’s okay Vlad?”
“Of course I’m sure, Don,” Putin said warmly, “see you in a couple weeks for our monthly tennis and naked cuddle date?”
“Wouldn’t miss it for all the tea in Gyna, Vlad,” Trump said, “not for all the tea in Gyna.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.