Vladimir Putin Sent Kislyak With Shortlist of James Comey’s Replacement for President Trump

MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Ahead of their meeting with Secondary President Donald Trump of the United States, Russian President Vladimir Putin gave Russian Ambassador to the US Sergey Kislyak and Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov a list of people he wants Trump to consider in the search to replace James Comey as the FBI director.  Several sources say the list was even shorter than most political shortlists end up being, and that the names give some insight as to what the Trump administration thinks of the FBI investigating whether there were connections between it and the Russians during last year’s hotly contested presidential election.

The meeting between Trump and the Russian comes just a day after Trump fired Comey. The secondary president has indicated

“The list was what you’d expect from Putin,” one source only identified as Shmeince Shmebus told reporters, “with names you’d expect to see. You know Donald Trump, Jr., Eric Trump, Ivanka Trump, Vladimir Putin, the usual suspects.”

Secondary President Trump reportedly thanked Kislyak and Lavrov when he met with them this morning for bringing him “Daddy Vladdy’s list.” The U.S. media only learned of this exchange when the Kremlin’s state run press agency announced it and released pictures. There was one problem that Trump had with the list though; it had been written in Russian.

“Hey, can someone get Mike Flynn back here for a minute,” Trump apparently said to staff once the Russians had left the Oval Office, “just so he can translate this for me? I can’t read a lick of this. I’ve lost track of how many things I’ve had to have Vlad send me again in English.”

It’s unclear at the time of publication if Trump intends to take Putin’s list under advisement, though he reportedly told Kislyak and Lavrov that he was “bigly grateful that Uncle Vlad is looking out for” him.

“I don’t know how I’d be Secondary President without Vlad’s help, really,” Trump apparently told his staff later, “because this shit is so complicated! Who knew?”

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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