House Janitorial Staff Still Cleaning Up Verbal Diarrhea From Boebert’s Defense of Gosar

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a free society, one that values and encourages freedom of speech, there can be unintended consequences. This morning janitorial crews working for the House of Representatives are learning that lesson, and dealing with unintended consequences of someone else’s free speech, with sources telling us there is no end in sight.

Yesterday, an unhinged, fast-talking Rep. Lauren Boebert (Q-CO) stood on the House floor and defended fellow white nationalist Republican Paul Gosar of Arizona. Gosar was up for censure for tweeting out a violent anime video that depicted himself attacking Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of New York. The video also showed Gosar attacking President Biden. Ultimately, Gosar was censured, with only two Republicans deciding that violent death threats are worth punishing a colleague for.

Most of what Boebert said, however, had absolutely nothing to do with Gosar’s stochastic terrorism. Instead, she launched into personal attacks against Democrats Eric Swalwell of California, and Ilhan Omar of Minnesota. Boebert used Islamaphobic tropes and spewed conspiracy theories, amounting to a toxic stream of verbal diarrhea, that cleaning crews have yet to make a sizable impact on.

“What Congressmoron Boebert left behind for our crews is some of the most toxic, disgusting shit we’ve ever been exposed to,” one member of the janitorial staff told us on condition of anonymity.

“We work both chambers in Congress, and Ted Cruz has certainly made us clean up his fair share of stupid bullshit. Every time Rand Paul opens his mouth, we know we’re going to be working overtime to clean up that shit. But what Bobo spewed from her word and Don Trump’s dong hole yesterday was pure, unadulterated verbal diarrhea, and we don’t have any idea how long we’re going to be cleaning the House floor.”

Boebert’s staff did not return requests for a comment on this story.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This