Vegas Bookies: CNN 7 Million to 1 Favorites Against 71-Year Old Orange Tub of Lard in Real Wrestling Match

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA — When temporary President Donald Trump tweeted his latest attack on CNN, it contained an animated GIF made from an appearance he made during a “Wrestlemania” show put on by the WWE.

Considering that Linda McMahon, a member of his administration, has been a board member of the WWE for decades, perhaps no one was really all that surprised. Odds makers in Las Vegas, however, have taken it on themselves to start handicapping a potential showdown between the news network accused of being fake, and the president with a fake tan, fake university, fake charity, fake magazine covers, and a largely fake presidency.

“We put the odds of Trump beating CNN pretty low,” Darrel Henderson, the lead odds maker at the Desert Sands Resort and Casino told us this morning via Skype, “because let’s face it. He’s a 71-year old fat tub of lard that doesn’t do any real exercise because he believes his body’s a battery and could lose the finite energy he has, so even if he only takes on one anchor, he’s going to get clobbered.

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The odds maker for the Golden Palace told us that even though the GIF Trump tweeted showed him dominating the wrestler whose face had the CNN logo superimposed over it, she doesn’t think that video “tells the whole story,” and that Mr. Trump would “probably get the living shit kicked out of his fascist ass.”

“For starters, keep in mind that the gif is made from a wrestling match where the winner was pre-determined,” Susan Hessmaker told us from her office at the Golden Palace, “It was scripted. Like his reality-TV shows were. So in a real wrestling match, we expect this elderly orange oligarch would get his lunch handed to him, many times.”

One odds maker we spoke to gave CNN a 7,000,000 to 1 chance of beating Trump.

“Yes, those are astronomical odds,” John Terry told us, “but goddamn look at that fat fuck. He can’t tie his shoes without getting winded. He eats more KFC than someone who lives in a KFC would eat. There’s literally nothing athletic about him. In a fight with a wet paper bag, we’d give the paper bag similar odds as we gave CNN.”

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Still another odds maker we spoke to said that he couldn’t see Trump even making it to the day of the match. All his life, the odds maker argued, Trump has never been truly held accountable for anything and he’s had everything taken care of for him. That lack of focus and work ethic, the odds maker told us, would lead him to likely drop out well before the match’s scheduled date.

“Let’s keep it real,” Henderson told us, “the man is an abject failure at everything he does that isn’t making himself look less like a failure. Somehow there are still Americans gullible enough to believe it, but this man was a failure of a businessman in the 1980’s and became a pop culture punchline for most of the time before he was president. The bottom line is that there isn’t an Electoral College in wrestling, so he’d have no shot at the participation prize this time around.”

The White House did not comment on this story.

Follow us on Twitter @PolitiGarbage.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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