Trump Releases Updated List Of Potential Replacements for Justice Kennedy

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump has been teasing the American public with small glimpses into the process his administration has undertaken in their effort to find a replacement for outgoing Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy.

Today, the White House took the step of releasing an updated list of candidates they feel are suitable to replace Mr. Kennedy.

Justice Kennedy, 81 years old and an appointee to the high court of the Reagan administration, announced he would be giving up his lifetime appointment just over a week ago. The announcement sent shock waves though the political spectrum as conservatives prepared to rally behind the first non-stolen Supreme Court pick of the alleged billionaire president’s tenure. Last year, Mr. Trump got to choose the replacement for Justice Antonin Scalia, who did his part to end air pollution by dying during the final year of President Barack Obama’s second term.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) then helped orchestrate an extra-constitutional maneuver — citing the non-existent precedent of a presidential election — and did not allow Obama’s pick for Scalia’s replacement to be considered. Many on the left worry Trump’s nominee could push the ideological makeup of the court to the right for decades, potentially setting up the opportunity to wipe out decades of progress on social issues.

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“The White House, under the direction of Supreme Lord God Orange Daddy Emperor Trump, is proud to announce the following contestants for Season Two of America’s Next Top Justice,” reads a statement out of the administration, and bearing both the seal of the presidency and the Trump Organization’s logo, emblazoned in gold leaf.

Trump’s updated manifest of Kennedy replacements is printed, below:

  • Judge Jeanie Pirro
  • That Guy Who Shot Up The Planned Parenthood
  • Judge Roy Moore (But only for 14 years)
  • Judge Reinhold
  • Pat Robertson
  • Judge Wapner (May need to look into resurrection tech)
  • A Whopper from Burger King
  • Ted Cruz (If he finds his dad guilty for murdering JFK)
  • Whoever Vlad tells me to pick
  • Jesus Christ (The Non-Cuck One)
  • Sean Hannity
  • Actually, all of Fox News except that fuckface Shep Smith
  • Ivanka (hot chicks dig cool gifts still, right?)
  • A Statue of Robert E. Lee
  • The actual Robert E. Lee (again, resurrection tech, do we have it?)
  • President of Texas
  • Eric (maybe he could get that whole stealing from cancer kids thing cleared up)
  • Donald Trump (cool guy, seems neat, kinda perfect, really. Will prolly go with this guy. He has an enormous dick, I’m told, I hear anyway. Who knows? Prolly a yuge one though, right?)

This is a developing story.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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