MT. DICKHOLE, WEST VIRGINIA — 48-year-old Doug Palumbo is not what anyone would call athletically gifted, but he doesn’t hide from that fact. Friends, work colleagues, and fellow klansmen all describe him as someone who has self-deprecating humor and often mocks his own out of shape body. Mr. Palumbo is also a devoted follower of former, one-term, twice-forever impeached President Donald J. Trump, and thinks former Vice President Mike Pence should have helped keep Congress from certifying Joe Biden’s victory over Trump, even if it meant disenfranchising millions of Americans’ votes.
“I love America, okay? I love America so much that I think it’s time to say, ‘Fuck America’ if it ain’t gonna make Trump president another four to ten years, at a MINIMUM. The Constitution isn’t shit compared to MAGA,” Doug was overheard telling his local liquor store cashier. “Clearly freedom and self-governance ain’t all it’s cracked up to be if sixteen trillion fake illegal votes can be counted in the middle of the night, and all the audits performed by Sasquatch and Nessie are just going to be ignored.”
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Doug has been spending a lot of time this week watching the Summer Olympics in Tokyo. He says he was “pleased as punch” when the U.S. women’s soccer team lost a match, saying it was “karma for caring about social justice.”
“Keep your politics outta sports, unless you’re flashing an American flag or AR-15 tattoo, fam,” Palumbo told friends this week. “It’s just that simple.”
Last night, Palumbo told his podcast audience that he was “sick to deaf of entitled athletes” like Simone Biles who “don’t give America their all.” Palumbo heaped criticism on Biles for withdrawing from the team portion of this year’s Summer Olympics gymnastics competition. Biles took herself out after flubbing a vault, telling reporters later that she having some mental health challenges that are getting in the way of her performance.
“Now, granted, I can’t do a single thing that woman does, and would frankly never try, but I have a constitutional right to express my unfounded opinions about her anyway,” Palumbo said, “and for the next three episode of this podcast, that’s exactly what we’re going to do. I plan to make a very strong case for why Simone is probably an agent working for Antifa at the direction of George Soros to keep Trump out of office.”
Palumbo says Biles has “permanently let her country down.”
“Sure, I technically hate most of the people in this country,” Doug said, “but show some goddamned respect and keep competing in an event that I have no earthly clue how I’d even remotely get started doing!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.