U.N. Security Council To Vote On Designating Trump’s Twitter Account A “Weapon of Ass Destruction”

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Not far from where President-Elect Donald Trump is living and planning his administration, the United Nations’ security council is meeting to discuss the alleged billionaire’s Twitter account. The topic at hand is a debate before a vote to decide if the U.N. can and should rightfully designate Trump’s tweets as “weapons of ass destruction.”

Speaking to reporters  Jacque Henri Sebastian, French Assistant Ambassador to the U.N. said that “Trump’s tweets clearly pose a threat to civility” and that it’s vital for the world to determine “what else they threaten.”

“This would be an historic step for this body,” Deputy Mexican Ambassador Miguel Arroyo told reporters, “because never before has one foreign leader’s tweets been so unstable, so self-aggrandizing, so bullying, and so personally obtuse. But the question is whether his tweets rise to the official definition of weapons of ass destruction.”

During the rigorous and spirited debate, the definition of a “weapon of ass destruction” was discussed by several who spoke. It was argued that Trump’s tweets pose a danger to world order because, as the junior ambassador from Guam said, “Trump could tweet bleary-eyed at two in the morning and accidentally start a war with Tanzania or some shit.” The deputy assistant to the ambassador from Japan would later tell reporters her boss shared all the concerns of every representative to the U.N. that Trump’s tweets “are a stroll through hubris, ignorance, and outright bullshit lies” and that they could upend “many, many things.”

“President-Elect Trump’s time between winning the election and now has been filled with much of the same schoolyard bullying and gorilla-like chest thumping on Twitter that he’s always done,” Uruguay’s assistant U.N. ambassador told the press, “and that’s a major concern for those of us who figured he was just amping up the cray for his base during the election but would eventually calm the F down and act like an adult because he’s seventy years goddamned old for chrissakes.”

Though the various members of the Security Council hedged before outright accusing Trump of using his Twitter in a way that violates international treaties, all of them made statements indicating they believe he uses his tweets like a weapon.

“And the only question before us today,” Hiro Makatashi, the assistant deputy ambassador from Japan, told the media, “is whether nor not the weaponizing of his tweets causes minor blowback, embarrassment, or full-blown, full-scale war. We’d all like to think we’re smart enough to just blow off the bloviations of such an obviously overcompensating man, but you just never can tell sometimes, can you?”

Reached for comment, the Trump transition released the following, brief statement.

Dear The U.N. –

Nuh, uh. You’re being being a bunch of unfair poopy heads! Take it back, or we’ll be mean to you when Mr. Trump is sworn in as emperor.

The current administration declined comment on this story.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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