WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented development, Republicans in the House of Representatives have drafted and will bring to the floor formal charges against Hillary Rodham Clinton, and will be asking for the Senate to do the same. Ultimately, sources say they’re hopeful President Donald Trump will sign the articles by the end of the summer, signaling the strongest rebuke of an American politician to date.
“We have drafted Article of Un-Peachment,” Rep. Louie Gohmert of Texas told reporters as he had his weekly supply of hot air pumped into his skull, “and we’re really damned proud of them.”
Gohmert explained to the reporters present that while it was true that Clinton lost last year’s election, and that Trump is the president, Republicans know and believe that anything bad that happens to the president is the result of Ms. Clinton’s “meddling, nefariousness, and general libtardery.” Rep. Gohmert, who once chastised former Attorney General Eric Holder for “casting aspersions on [his] asparagus,” explained that Mr. Trump has been “such a disgraceful and unavoidably embarrassing albatross” for Republicans that they’ve been forced to deflect any criticism he receives to Clinton, bringing up past alleged transgressions and scandals, to shift the focus away from their party’s de factor standard bearer.
“These are what we’d impeach her for,” Gohmert explained, “if you could impeach someone who isn’t actually president.”
Rep. Trey Gowdy was found at a local Krispy Kreme, getting his daily three coats of glaze applied.
“We can’t really impeach her because she’s not the president,” Gowdy said, “but we already had this thing drafted last year, when we thought no one was stupid enough to vote for The Apprentice guy. We didn’t want it to go to waste.”
Before heading back to the rotunda, Gowdy made sure to make a few more statements about former Secretary of State Clinton.
“Benghazi, Uranium, Body Count,” Gowdy said forcefully before adding, “Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi.”
Just then, Ben Gozzi appeared in a cloud of smoke.
“ALAS! I am Ben Gozzi,” the man in a trench coat said, “the Spirit of Political Martyrs Used as Props!”
Gowdy stood there, looking at Gozzi, who in turn stood there looking at him. It was obvious that Gowdy wasn’t exactly sure what to make of Gozzi. After a few moments of this, Gozzi spoke.
“You summoned me, Trey Gowdy,” Gozzi said, “when you said the name of a ginned up scandal three times consecutively. You must let Ambassador Stevens rest in peace, Mr. Gowdy.”
Rep. Gowdy tried to interject.
“But, sir, America, freedom, colors don’t run, tread on me,” Gowdy stammered.
Ben Gozzi wasn’t hearing any of it.
“None of that means anything,” Gozzi said, “and you’ve wasted millions of dollars investigating the same things over and over again. Meanwhile, the spirit of Ambassador Stevens is stuck in political limbo. You must let Mr. Stevens go!”
Gowdy shook his head.
“I…understand, sir,” Gowdy said, “and I will do my best to not use people as political footballs anymore.”
Gozzi nodded approvingly.
“But, have you heard about this Seth Rich guy,” Gowdy started.