NEW YORK, NEW YORK — An emergency meeting of the U.N. Security Council was convened late Tuesday night. The subject at hand was the possibility of America’s weapons of mass destruction “falling into the wrong hands.”
“For years we have all worried about what would could happen if nuclear weapons are obtained by terrorists,” François Delattre, French ambassador to the U.N. told the security council, “and now we appear to be just weeks away from something just as bad happening. America’s nuclear arms falling under control of not a terrorist, but a complete and total asshole.”
The Chinese U.N. ambassador echoed Delattre’s concerns and amplified them.
“While it seems highly unlikely that enough Americans would hit themselves over the head with a hammer the night before the elections are held,”Liu Jieyi said, “to get this asshole elected, we cannot hide from the fact that it could happen. They elected a B-movie actor to their highest office less than forty years ago, after all.”
The council discussed at length the fact that one of the country’s presidential nominees has been very candid about whether he’d use nuclear weapons if made commander in chief. Though most of the council members in the room agreed that the world might be spared since his fingers would be too short and stubby to reach the big red button, none wanted to take that risk.
“I would like to give my American friends the benefit of the doubt, I really would,” Delattre said, “but this orange creature simply scares us too much to not at the very least try to warn them against putting such a dangerously ill-prepared, surly, confrontational and unhinged man access to the world’s largest stockpile of weapons of mass destruction.”
There was one delegation in the room, however, that did not share everyone’s doom and gloom characterizations.
“We think you’re all being a little to rush-to-judgementy,”Vitaly Churkin, Russian Ambassador to the U.N. said, adding, “and we have it on pretty good authority he’ll listen to us.”
The French ambassador seemed skeptical at best at Churkin’s confidence.
“He will,” Delattre shot back, “he’ll listen to the U.N.? Because he doesn’t seem to listen to anything but the obnoxious voice in his petulant head.”
The Russian ambassador reared back and roared a massive laugh. He tried his eyes with a handkerchief in his pocket. After two minutes of regaining his breath, he spoke again.
“Oh sorry, my bad,” Churkin said, “I mean he’ll listen to us. Russia. He’ll listen to Russia.”
The council decided that no action can be taken until after the U.S. holds its election. The meeting was adjourned until Wednesday, November 9th. At that time, the council will look at the election results and determine its next course of action.
“We simply cannot let these weapons of mass destruction fall into the wrong hands,” Ambassador Jieyi told the council, “and I pray we never have to confront that very scenario. Let us all hope the orange orangutan man gets bored and decides to something — anything — other than becoming the leader of the free world.”
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