Twitter Makes It Easier to Identify Verified Suckers and Fascists

Since taking over as Twitter’s owner and Chief Executive Officer, billionaire hair plug recipient and alt-right activist troll Elon Musk has made several changes. Though it’s unclear from public reporting if it was his intention, Musk’s decisions while at the helm of one of the world’s largest social media sites have effectively turned Twitter into a haven for misinformation and hate speech.

One of the biggest controversies that Musk has faced during his tenure as the man in charge at Twitter is the issue over verification. Since the site’s inception, the “blue check” next to a user’s name meant that people browsing the site could rest assured they were seeing tweets from the public figures, celebrities, and governmental agencies who might otherwise be impersonated. When Musk came on board, he immediately started tinkering with the verification process. As of last week, users who want a blue check mark will now need to give Musk a monthly free to use the free website that turns user data into revenue streams.

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Only a small fraction of the “legacy” verified accounts have thus far paid for the new Twitter Blue verification. In an investor call this morning, Musk explained why he made the changes. We spoke to Gary Gazoo, Twitter’s junior deputy media liaison, about what his boss told investors today.

“Mr. Musk told everyone on the call today that ultimately his decision to mess around with the verification process was meant to show his newfound MAGA friends that he’s interested in owning the libs,” Gazoo told us. “What we didn’t anticipate, though, is that the changes would make it so much easier to verify who the suckers who’d pay a billionaire a monthly fee to be his commodity, and the opportunistic fascists who see value in a platform that will not punish them for using it to foment insurrection and attack democracy itself. Talk about a big ol’ win/win.”

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The whole verified thing on twitter sure has gotten the elonmusk treatment, eh? satire funny comedy sketchcomedy

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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