The President of the United States is No Longer Banned from Twitter

Published on

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Twitter announced just after 12:00pm Eastern Time that the President of the United States is no longer permabanned from Twitter.

“While every single lifetime ban we put into place over the last few days and weeks will remain in place, the man who is the actual President of the United States is no longer permanently banned from Twitter,” this morning’s statement from the microblogging platform stated. “While the official head of the United States’ executive branch of government was, sadly, kicked off our site forever, it’s gratifying to know there was a way for us to get the President of the United States back on Twitter, and all we had to do was wait for him to take the oath of office.”

MORE: Boebert and Taylor Greene to Star in OAN’s “Real Housewives of QAnon”

Twitter warned the president, however, that his @POTUS account doesn’t come with “unlimited powers” and that all of his accounts will still be subject to Twitter’s terms of service.

“The president should be warned, however, that despite what it may have looked like in the past, Twitter does in fact have rules that it enforces on every use, even the most powerful man in the free world,” Twitter wrote.

There are some ways that the president can avoid having his account kicked off Twitter, too.

“The president should feel free to tweet eighteen thousand times a day, and should in particular focus his tweets on TV ratings, which reporters are enemies of the people, and generally sowing chaos and division throughout the country,” Twitter suggested. “He can also stoke white nationalist outrage ad nauseum.”

But the president cannot simply tweet anything he’d like; there are rules.

“Lying repeatedly about things other than the election is, of course, just fine. However, should the president engage in lying about the election, after four years of destroying everything he could in service to his ego,” Twitter wrote, “then, finally, we’ll probably do something. Maybe.”

The president didn’t actually tweet or comment on this story because he’s a real adult again.

RELATED: Biden Will Remove the McDonald’s Kitchen Installed by the Previous Administration

 

Like what you read? Consider signing up for my free newsletter, becoming a paid Facebook subscriber, or signing up for my Patreon.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

Latest articles

Want to Read Some Excerpts From The New Bible Trump Is Selling?

When one looks at the life and times of Donald J. Trump, one can't...

I Applaud Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Efforts to Free My Antifa Brethren From Jail

"...imagine my shock and surprise when Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene started her attention whoring...

What If Trump Uses Ivanka’s OnlyFans to Payoff His Rape, Defamation, and Fraud Fines?

"...it turns out Eric Trump  spent all his money this week on magic beans...

I Asked This Grand Wizard Why He’s Voting for Donald Trump and Not the Democrat

Ask any evangelical, Christian conservative and they'll tell you without batting a single eyelash...