Twitter Offers Trump One Character Per IQ Point

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Buzz on the Hill is that President Donald Trump’s favorite form of communication — the tweet — may change quite drastically in the coming weeks. Twitter, the social media platform used most frequently by the commander in chief, has been rolling out a newly doubled character limit to certain users. Tweets have been, since the site’s inception, limited to 140-characters. Doubling the allowable size of tweets has been seen as a way for some users to be more expressive in a single thought, and get more information into the tweets.

Reportedly, President Trump personally emailed Twitter and its board of directors demanding to know why he wasn’t included in the group of people who have gotten their character limits bumped up. Twitter apparently told the president they were doing the upgrade in stages and that he’d eventually get the increased character limit added to his account, along with millions of other users. That was not good enough for Trump.

“The president made it very clear that he feels he is entitled to a bigger character limit,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters with a monotone delivery and eyes that looked like to many reporters to belong to a dead cat, “and that would fit the consistent pattern of being spoiled and given everything he wants with little or no effort, so we feel that’s only fair.”

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Sources close to several key members of Twitters executive board say that the company spent a few days deliberating on how best to respond to Trump’s demand of a higher character limit. After batting several ideas around the office, one was settled on. Implementing it would take utilizing Trump’s view of his own intellectual prowess.

“We told President Trump we just can’t throw our entire roll out schedule out the window,” one Twitter source told us, “but we could make him an offer that we didn’t think he’d be able to refuse.”

Twitter has reportedly reached out to the White House and offered a bargain to Trump. According to people close to the situation with knowledge of the offer, Twitter has told Trump if he wants to, he can take an IQ test, and they will set his character limit to whatever score he gets.

“We all know the president has the bigliest IQ of any president,” Huckabee Sanders told reporters last weekend, “and when it comes to previous black administrations, well, I’m sure we’ve all seen the Stormfront’s report on that whole thing. But anyway, this administration is very interested in taking Twitter up on its offer.”

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Trump agreed to take the IQ test on Monday of this week. After a couple days of processing his answers, Trump’s character limit was changed this morning. The president’s first tweet under his new, IQ point derived character limit, was sent shortly thereafter.

Below are President Donald Trump’s first tweets after having his character limit set to his IQ score.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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