LOS CHINGANDOS NARANJAS, CALIFORNIA — A 12-year-old girl playing Pokémon Go — the popular smartphone game that has inspired millions of Americans to start hunting down digital creatures all over their neighborhoods — was decidedly unhappy when she found a new Pokémon she’d never seen before.
Katie Hollis has been a fan of Pokémon since she was just seven years old, and says over the last five years she’s studied and memorized hundreds and hundreds of them. This is what made her encounter with what she would later describe as “the most God-awful, self-absorbed, delusional Pokémon ever” even more eventful to her.
“My phone vibrated and I was all excited,” Katie Hollis told our reporter this morning, “but then, this giant, orange blob with massive stink lines coming off of it was all I saw. I thought it was a glitch at first because I’ve never seen such an ugly Pokémon in my life.”
Katie says that she was startled by how disgusting looking the Pokémon was, but when it started to talk, she was “absolutely horrified” and she “couldn’t even.”
“He just kept talking about building a wall,” Katie said, “and I haven’t heard that many racist comments towards Mexicans since I went to my grandpa’s house and he had Fox News on! If I had to hear ‘drug dealers and rapists’ on more time, I was going to plotz!”
After catching the furry, orange, obnoxious little Pokémon, Katie says his name made a lot of sense to her.
“Doucheypuff, it was called,” Katie said, “and I have to say, he’s douchey and puffy, so whoever named this species of Pokémon did a bang-up job.”
Once in her Pokédex, Katie says her newly found Pokémon “just mostly took up space” and “wouldn’t shut up, like, ever.” In battle, Katie says that Doucheypuff is “almost useless.” His physical limitations make Doucheypuff an easy target.
“He’s just got tiny little hands that don’t do anything but play with himself,” Katie says, “and when’s not too busy playing with himself, he just stands there and repeats himself over and over. Why anyone would want to have anything to do with this horrible, orange, pestiferous, disgusting creature is beyond my ability to understand. I know I’m only 12 years old, but even I can see that nothing he says he’ll do can actually be accomplished, and that he’s just a big, fat, stupid hater. I honestly don’t know why they put him in the game.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.