Tucker Carlson Wants to Get One More COVID-19 Vaccine Before He Endorses Them

Published on

Fox News host and sentient toilet film Tucker Carlson told his audience last night that he’s still “not quite ready” to encourage them to get a COVID-19 vaccine, at least not until he’s gotten one more, just to be sure they’re safe.

“Make no mistake, plebs, excuse me, friends,” Carlson said with his trademark self-satisfaction and smug tone, “the first COVID-19 vaccine I got seemed okay. However, we conservatives know you need to trust, but verify, so I’d really like to get one more vaccine in my arm, before I tell you definitively to get one yourselves.”

Poll: 70% Hope Trump Is Next Billionaire in Space As Long As It’s a One-Way Trip

Many elected Republicans and conservative pundits have remained reticent on the subject of their own vaccination, reluctant to answer because the issue has become politicized. More than 95% of the new cases, hospitalizations, and deaths from the COVID-19 delta variant are among the unvaccinated populations. However, conservative politicians and commentators have demanded that social distancing and masking mandates cease at the same time they are not being vaccinated.

In the recent past, Carlson has compared vaccination requirements to Jim Crow laws, intimating that people who choose not to receive a life saving, free vaccine will be treated how post-slavery black Americans were treated. As we reported, however, that analogy briefly made Tucker wonder if, perhaps, he was in favor of vaccination requirements after all, given how much he pines for a return to the Jim Crow days of yore.

“I got done with my show last night, and I really started thinking about it all. I mean, Jim Crow? Jim Crow was awesome; it was how the Good Lord intended us to function best,” Carlson opined. “So if vaccinations are like Jim Crow, and Jim Crow was awesome, that would mean that vaccinations are awesome. Which I definitely thought they were when Trump was in office. But now that liberals like them, I literally hate them and think they’re terrible. But the Jim Crow thing…man, Chip, this is hard!” (Pastiche Post)

“Did I get vaccinated? Of course I did. I’m not as stupid and easily mislead as my audience for shit’s sake,” Carlson laughed manically before stopping suddenly, “I just want to get another vaccine, and then frankly a booster, before I tell you guys one way or the other how I really feel about them.”

The COVID-19 virus has claimed the lives of over a million people worldwide, and 600,000 Americans since the beginning of 2020.

Texas Board of Education Eliminates Need to Teach Kids The South Lost

Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


 

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

Latest articles

I Asked This Grand Wizard Why He’s Voting for Donald Trump and Not the Democrat

Ask any evangelical, Christian conservative and they'll tell you without batting a single eyelash...

Jesus Just Told Me He Probably Wouldn’t Vote for the “Rapey Sore Loser Guy”

Well, America, you're about to do it. Again. We're gonna have a re-do of 2020....

I’m So Grateful Elon Rescued Twitter from Overly Political Owners So He Can Help Trump Win!

The following editorial was written and submitted by Dustin Pewpsin, a Republican strategist working...

I’m a Single Issue Voter, and It’s Enabling Right-Wing Authoritarians If I Don’t Get My Way

The following piece was submitted to us by reader Gary Neophite, who describes himself...