Tucker Carlson Wants to Get One More COVID-19 Vaccine Before He Endorses Them

Fox News host and sentient toilet film Tucker Carlson told his audience last night that he’s still “not quite ready” to encourage them to get a COVID-19 vaccine, at least not until he’s gotten one more, just to be sure they’re safe.

“Make no mistake, plebs, excuse me, friends,” Carlson said with his trademark self-satisfaction and smug tone, “the first COVID-19 vaccine I got seemed okay. However, we conservatives know you need to trust, but verify, so I’d really like to get one more vaccine in my arm, before I tell you definitively to get one yourselves.”

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Many elected Republicans and conservative pundits have remained reticent on the subject of their own vaccination, reluctant to answer because the issue has become politicized. More than 95% of the new cases, hospitalizations, and deaths from the COVID-19 delta variant are among the unvaccinated populations. However, conservative politicians and commentators have demanded that social distancing and masking mandates cease at the same time they are not being vaccinated.

In the recent past, Carlson has compared vaccination requirements to Jim Crow laws, intimating that people who choose not to receive a life saving, free vaccine will be treated how post-slavery black Americans were treated. As we reported, however, that analogy briefly made Tucker wonder if, perhaps, he was in favor of vaccination requirements after all, given how much he pines for a return to the Jim Crow days of yore.

“I got done with my show last night, and I really started thinking about it all. I mean, Jim Crow? Jim Crow was awesome; it was how the Good Lord intended us to function best,” Carlson opined. “So if vaccinations are like Jim Crow, and Jim Crow was awesome, that would mean that vaccinations are awesome. Which I definitely thought they were when Trump was in office. But now that liberals like them, I literally hate them and think they’re terrible. But the Jim Crow thing…man, Chip, this is hard!” (Pastiche Post)

“Did I get vaccinated? Of course I did. I’m not as stupid and easily mislead as my audience for shit’s sake,” Carlson laughed manically before stopping suddenly, “I just want to get another vaccine, and then frankly a booster, before I tell you guys one way or the other how I really feel about them.”

The COVID-19 virus has claimed the lives of over a million people worldwide, and 600,000 Americans since the beginning of 2020.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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