Tucker Carlson Will Rub Reese’s Pieces on His Ken Doll Patch Instead

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Fox News host Tucker Carlson is breaking off what he called a “decades-long romantic relationship,” and announced over the weekend that he was embarking on a new love affair.

“As of this morning, I’m done with M&M’s. All their woke BS has forced me to reevaluate my choice in candy lovers, and quite frankly without the sexy go-go boots, I just don’t find M&M’s all that attractive. I like traditional, binary candy gender roles, and I am not ashamed to say it,” Tucker said during a radio interview on W-KKK AM.

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Last week, the Mars Company caused outrage on the right when it announced that some of its anthropomorphic M&M characters would be updated. Mostly, the changes are in the style of clothing the M&Ms are wearing. In particular, the green candy was given different shoes and her look was changed to be less sexually charged.

“Do liberals have any respect for anything that’s traditional anymore? Do they not understand the kind of society they are asking for, if they don’t keep our animated candy mascots with traditional gender roles and identifiers? Frankly,” Carlson said, “I think this is all George Soros’ fault, and this week I plan on asking Dan Bongino’s dumbfuck white nationalist fact checker, Matt Palumbo, if his new book covers the Soros/M&M connection.”

Carlson announced that he was in the process of starting up a “much more fiery, sexually charged” relationship with M&M’s competitor, Reese’s Pieces.

“I’m going to run those bad boys all over my Ken Doll Patch. I can’t wait, actually. I’ve always had a feeling I’d enjoy fucking Reese’s Pieces more than M&M’s,” Carlson announced, “and now I’m going to get the opportunity to test my theory out.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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